Sunday, February 8, 2009

List of (not so) gratitudes

So, I realized today that I haven't been keeping my daily list of blessings, or things I am grateful for. I used to do that every night. It helped me to see how much the Lord loved me, and I was able to see answers to prayers that I wouldn't have seen otherwise.

Horseback riding - I felt free for a few moments. I didn't have to worry about anything except the horse.
Amanda's calls and texts to let me know she is thinking of me.
Katie being here has been a lot of fun. She makes me laugh.

Actually, so as I am trying to write this list of blessings, all I feel is sadness. Amanda is worried sick, so she is calling me. I feel guilty for making her worry. She can hear the stress in my voice, so its my fault she is worried... Horseback riding was fun, but after riding and feeling so free, my body quit on me. I didn't feel good the rest of the day. Even though I several snacks, a good dinner, etc, I just felt sick and dizzy all night. It took everything I had to not pass out in the store last night. I also feel like at any moment horseback riding will be taken away from me. I am scared to love it or look forward to it too much... Katie being here has been fun, but there is so much sadness and pain being with her too. She is so stuck in her eating disorder, its hard to talk to her. Dann's love and support just makes me feel horribly guilty, because I don't deserve it. I am still angry at him - I don't deserve for him to love me and be kind to me when I feel so angry. Lauren is a good friend, and I am so grateful for her, but she's also telling everyone that I am not doing well. I am grateful for Rebecca's friendship - she helped me through a lot, but I don't want her friendship right now. It hurts too much, and I feel pressured to take care of her.

I am sorry that I didn't write the list of gratitudes like I wanted to... Its hard to feel grateful when it hurts so much at the same time... When I feel so guilty for it all too...

1 comment:

  1. Keep looking for the silver lining. Keep trying to be aware of the things you are grateful for. It won't make the hurt go away, but sometimes it's nice to just be more aware of the positive things.