The last flashbacks you'll ever have

This morning I was feeling ANXIOUS! Flashbacks. Shaky. Nauseous. Yuck!

This afternoon I rode Sunny. Full speed. Around the arena. Gravel flying in BJ's face as Bo tried to keep up. Couldn't think of anything except the feel of the wind in my face and hair. And staying in the saddle. (Which I did!)

Now I feel better.

BJ says we should patten the idea.
Flashbacks start, jump on the horse and ride full speed. The only problem? I've been riding for a long time, and THIS is the first time I have felt confident enough to do it.

But, one way or the other, they'll be the last flashbacks ever...

Moving Along

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen?"
The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years." 

The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast -- How long then?"
Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years."
"But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student.
"Thirty years," replied the Master.
"But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" 

Replied the Master, "When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

Its strange, that is how healing from all of the crap is: The harder I work, the farther away I get. The more I just, "let it be," the more it just goes.

A few days ago, I was having a rough time. I asked BJ when it would stop hurting. He replied, "When you come down off the ceiling." (He is referring to the perspective I have in my own flashbacks. It is as if, I am on the ceiling watching it happen. I can't see his face, only his back. Although it FEELS as if its happening to me, it LOOKS as if it is happening to some other person. Strange to try to explain...)

And with that, I was gone. Conscious of the fact that I was screaming, crying, and kicking. Aware that the emotions and pain were so intense, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. Also aware, that I was going to survive the pain, and this was exactly what I needed to go through.

Waking the Tiger talks about dual consciousness: allowing myself to dissociate, and being aware of what is happening when I do. Experiencing everything that I didn't think I could handle to experience back then.

For a long time, I think I walked around dissociated and in the past for days at a time. Now, it is minutes at a time. I can't keep track of the time I am "out". BJ does. This time, 20-30 minutes. I cried, and then everything was okay. I was relaxed enough to talk, laugh, enjoy life again.

I am grateful. SO grateful for all that is happening in my life.
Its pretty amazing.

Farewell Kloey Dog

Car rides,
Walks,
Wrestling with Justin,
"Kloey, Look!",
greeting Jeff after his mission,
the friendly greetings at the door every time I came over - even after you could barely walk,
for kissing Dann,
for cleaning up all the messes and spills,
for taking care of all of the extra napkins,
for staying home alone with me when everyone else went on vacation,
for all the tricks - sit, beg, shake, dance, wait, and even roll over,
and for keeping Mommy company all day and all night.

Most of all, thank you for picking this moment to leave. If you had gone any earlier, I would have felt so estranged from my family... I might have missed out on loving them through their loss.

I know God has answered prayers through you.
Love you puppy!

Healing Begins

Talking to a friend yesterday. She just had one of "those" sessions.
I wanted to be able to say, You can totally do this. And once you're through, it will be totally amazing. I want to know that, but I don't yet.



The best I can say, is this is where the healing begins. This is where it starts.
And I hope its amazing when we all get to the other side of this.

Observation Point: Conquered!

But not in the way you might think...

I have wanted to hike to Observation Point in Zion National Park for a long time. It is one of the highest points in the whole park. You look down on Angel's Landing, which is the most famous hike in the park. You can see everything from up there. (At least everything in the "Main" Canyon.) I really, REALLY wanted to see that.
The only hike I knew of was 8.6 miles (round trip).Climbing 2500 feet (and then descending again).
A little intense.

I begged Dann to go with me on our last trip. His back said, "No way!" and the rest of him pretty much agreed.

Somehow I stumbled on a blog that had backcountry trails.
Observation Point via the East Rim of Zion. Instead of climbing 2500 feet, its about 200 feet. Instead of 8.6 miles round trip, its 6 miles round trip.

I am so excited that I found a way to see observation point, without killing me (or Dann).

It was UH-MAZE-ING!
The pictures don't even BEGIN to do it justice.

A perfect day!

Left at 9 am.
Rode hard (mostly uphill, running when there was flat ground) for three hours.
Ate lunch sitting in the middle of a water fall. (Maybe you could even call it TWO water falls, but the second will be completely gone in a few more weeks when there isn't as much melting snow.)
Rode hard (ALL uphill, rocky) for a couple more hours.
BJ was in front. Went through a patch of deep snow. I thought he was going to break a leg. (If it had been solid ground and not snow, Bo would have crushed BJ's leg.) He got through it.
I chose to walk Sunny through that snow patch. MAN am I grateful for that horse. Thought I was going to die walking up just that little bit.
BJ and Bo slid down the mountain... He was worried he was going to be stuck at the bottom forever. Both Bo and BJ got up and out, and both were exhausted after the climb.
Sunny and I had to work together on some very rough terrain. I had to trust him. He had to trust me. Best feeling ever! I love that horse!
"Caramel Cob" is a very handy and delicious treat while on the trail. (You don't even have to touch it to eat it. Which was especially nice for BJ, since Bo peed on the lead rope.)
The wind was strong enough to pick up my hat and blow it several feet. BJ saved it from going over the edge of the cliff. Thanks BJ!
We ran. And ran. And ran.
Sunny decided rather than to slow down to go around rocks and branches, or to just walk through a stream, he'd jump OVER them. Exhilarating!
In one jump, I flew out of the saddle. I still don't know how I stayed on the horse. I would love to say it was because I am a great rider, but I know better. Angels were watching over me...
It took us five hours to get up, and two to get down... What a rush!

While on the horses, I was not concerned about the past or the future. I felt peaceful. "However it works out, it will work out." And I really meant it. There will be sadness and/or hard emotions to go through no matter what happens, and I'll go through them. Completely at peace with where my life is and where it is going.

I was totally "in the moment". I noticed so many little details I never would have seen before. Individual leaves and branches and rocks. Lizards, snakes, chipmunks all seemed so amazing and fascinating. Even my sandwich tasted better than a sandwich has ever tasted.

Ended the day so tired, I couldn't think straight... and that's okay, I didn't need to think anymore. I went to sleep. And actually slept!

Undone - FFH

Loving this song. So intense.

The first verse is the one that hit me the most:

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why
Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

I like the rest of it too though:

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in Your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side
You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left You bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

I want to be ready to be this direct.

Sink or Swim, I'm jumping in.

I'm not quite sure how to describe what is happening... My life... is being guided by a perfect hand... I can't see it. It doesn't seem to fit what I always thought was "right" but... it is.

Two years ago, I told Paul I wasn't "strong enough to do this on my own". I didn't know what I meant. I knew Dann and I needed to separate so I could find me again. I knew our relationship was toxic to both of us. I thought I was talking about how I wasn't strong enough to leave him, because the eating disorder would take over. It might have... but that is not what I meant.

I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I felt was right. I wasn't strong enough to feel the anger that I needed to feel. I wasn't strong enough to force myself to separate. I wasn't strong enough to lay down any sort of boundaries. I wasn't strong enough to see what work needed to be done. I wasn't strong enough to tell Dann what was hurting me. I wasn't strong enough to see how much the crap from my past was effecting me.

I couldn't make good choices, because I didn't allow myself a choice. There were so many "have-to's". So, I went inpatient.

I was so blessed to have the protection of CFC to get me going. Then I had the protection of BJ to continue healing. Then I had the apartment and Bishop Campbell.

And finally, two years later, I have done enough work to get to the starting place...

Marty told BJ that the process of healing is the same process whether you choose to stay together or divorce. That makes so much sense. But I couldn't even begin this process until I found me... I'm closer than I have ever been.

I told Dann that I wanted to hang out today, but I wanted to be home before 8:00... I felt like I needed to limit the time I spent with him. That time was a bit arbitrary, but I picked it because it felt good enough.

Dann asked if that was flexible.

I felt violated. I felt so guilty for even proposing the boundary. I felt like he didn't listen to me. I felt... CRAZY! I understand that my reaction was a little overdone and dramatic. I am so not used to standing up for what I want. Even expressing it. That I honestly feel like I have done something horrible... His questions made it feel even worse, because I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable with my request. I found myself thinking I should make it up to him for even THINKING about wanting to go home before he wanted me to...

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought...

And, yet... I can do this. I wasn't strong enough two years ago. I am strong enough now.

I don't want to hear the "crazy voice" come from me ever again. (The one where I start saying things like, "If I am just nice enough." "Its ok. He didn't mean to hurt me." "I'll be stronger, and I'll learn how to just take it.")

I will do what it takes to change me.

Much better

Its a funny thing... Trying to change EVERY dang thing in my brain... The little things that seem to come so easily for others make me crazy.

My friend, Lauren, has invited me to her house a million times. I have gone a few times. I HATE being there with her husband. I just don't like the man. I don't like the way I feel with him. He looks and acts like Larry. And when I couldn't find anger for Larry, I beat a couch cushion thinking of Brett. I knew she knew all that, but I STILL didn't feel like I could say that to her.

I didn't want to put her in an awkward position. I didn't want her to feel bad about asking me. So many other worries... I never said what I wanted.

Last night, she invited me again.
"I'd love to, but not while Brett's there."

Simple enough response. It came out of my mouth before I even thought about it. What I wanted. Absolute truth about what I was feeling at that moment.

It felt so good. I realized how different I am from LAST WEEK talking to Lauren. I couldn't do that a week ago. And last night, I did it as if it was just part of me. Just who I was. No questions or doubts before I said it. No guilt after I said it. Just me.

Lauren didn't die. She laughed and said she felt the same way. She even congratulated me for saying what I wanted. Her response was perfect, but it really wouldn't have mattered either way. I am finally standing up for me.

And its not nearly as hard as it used to be.

If they jumped off a bridge...

From the book, Too Nice for Your Own Good:

"As nice people we have failed to distinguish between being aggressive and being assertive. Seeing the difference between them can free us to tell others what we want. Look at how these two forms of expression differ:

To be aggressive is to dominate people and take away their rightful power.
To be assertive is to express your wants and leave their power intact.

To be aggressive is to affirm only your own wants and worth.
To be assertive is to affirm the worth of both others and yourself.

To be aggressive is selfish.
To be assertive expresses a healthy self-love.

We assert ourselves when we respectfully ask something of others that’s appropriate. Rather than aggressively imposing our needs on them and turning them off, our assertiveness makes them feel needed and they find satisfaction in responding.

The freedom to express your desires to others will come only with your decision to live by them. Are you willing to love yourself? Be fully present to those you care about? Assert yourself in a respectful way?

In asserting yourself, whether you want people to stop or start doing something, you need to be positive, specific and direct, rather than negative, indirect, manipulative or moralistic.

Such compelling assertions, because they are clear, honest, and respectful, tend to make others want to give you what you want, desire and deserve. On the other hand, if you’re negative, you create negative responses; if you’re indirect, you burden others with explaining themselves; if you’re manipulative, you make them resentful and resistant; if you’re moralistic, you force them to act out of guilt. Here are examples of healthy assertiveness followed by examples of how unhealthy communications sound:

I’d like you to pick up your toys.

Not,
Don’t leave your toys lying around. (Negative)
Not,
Why don’t you pick up your toys? (Negative and indirect)
Not,
You shouldn’t leave your toys lying around. (Negative and moralistic)
Not,
Nice kids don’t leave their toys lying around. (Negative, indirect and manipulative)

I’d like you to bring me flowers.

Not,
Don’t forget to bring me flowers. (Negative)
Not,
Why don’t you bring me flowers anymore? (Negative, indirect)
Not,
You ought to bring me flowers now and then. (Moralistic)
Not,
Nice spouses don’t forget to bring their wife flowers. (Negative, indirect, manipulative)"

After reading this a few weeks ago, I have paid a lot of attention to the way people talk to each other. Especially my family... Almost everything they say to each other is aggressive according to this book's definition.

I have felt frustrated with them for ages... but I couldn't tell you why.
I have felt angry at the way Dann talks to me, but I thought I was just being crazy.

It turns out all of us have learned to communicate in some really ucky ways. At CFC the first time, I learned how to be assertive, but... even then... I didn't want to make people feel the way I felt... And I really didn't know what I was doing. So, I pulled back.

I'm done pulling back to make others happy.
I want to be assertive. I want to take care of me. I don't want to hurt others with aggressive communication. How do I even begin?? If EVERYONE does it, how do I be different? How do I tell people its not okay to talk to me that way?

Attending Angels

Its been a tough weekend... I know I might want to write about that more later, but for now...
I went looking for comfort. President Uchdorf is usually pretty good at that.
Here is what he had for me today:

"There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow. My heart is filled with compassion and love for you. How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone."

Thank you. My heart hurts. I feel so alone sometimes. I know you're right though, angels attend me. Everyday. Thank you.

Finally

Abuse.
I didn't know how damaging it was until I listened to BJ talk. I heard the insanity in his voice, his words, but the part that was most horrifying: I heard it in his heart and soul.

It felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I was looking in a mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Not at all. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that takes it, and thinks its my fault. I don't want to be the person that thinks she can fix it if she is just nice enough, understanding enough, kind enough, strong enough, good enough...

The anger I felt for Ginger? I think finally I am seeing how a healthy person would feel towards abuse. For the first time EVER I have no attachment to the abuser. I felt pure anger. Its not that I wanted to hurt her. Or break things. Or anything violent. I just wanted the abuse to stop.

For the first time EVER, I didn't think about how she felt, or tried to understand why she was hurting him, or... I just felt angry.

With my dad, I could see WHY. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't see any other option. He was supposed to teach Jeff. He was supposed to show him the right way. And if Jeff refused to listen... what else could he do?

With Jeff, my dad was mean. It made sense he would be mean to Zack, or my mom, or even me sometimes. It wasn't his fault. I didn't like it. I HATED it, but what else could he do?

With Johnny, with Larry, with Dann, with Amy, with Katie, with people at school, with Brother Sackett, with my family, with the boys at the group home, all of them... what else could they do?

I don't know. I don't know what they could have done.
And it doesn't even matter.

Today, I am angry.
Not at me. For the first time in forever, not at me.

Finally. Not at me.

To Dare

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Author Unknown

April Showers

I hate showers. Especially the kind that involve women. Celebrating weddings. Or babies.

Today, I had not just one, but TWO!

...anxiety... through the roof...
In the car, my sister decided to talk about her debate class... someone said something about, "You can't be raped when you're married." She did amazing on the debate, because she felt so strongly that NO means NO! Even when you're married.

And suddenly, the three of us: mom, sis, and I were talking TOTALLY openly about everything. I would list the topics, but well... I don't wanna... I will say I talked about things I have never talked about outside of my CFC circle.

I was not quiet. I was not meek. I was not kind. I was ME in all my glory... And nobody shat in their pants... (At least that I know of.)

I survived the showers. I don't think I would have if I hadn't had the open talks before hand. I probably would have lost my mind... in ways most unbecoming...

Mel even said she LIKED opinionated Jen. Whoda thunkit?

To the one I never met,

Talking to Steph tonight. She told me about Kendall's goodbye. Kendall was Brie's little girl. She died before she ever lived. Kind of like you.

Like you, Kendall saved Brie's life. Brie was lost in her eating disorder. Somehow Kendall's short stay showed Brie the way back. Finally, Brie is alive... in a way her family has never seen before.
I thought of you. I was not lost in an eating disorder, but I was lost. I was going through all the motions, but not living. I was not excited for your life, nor grieved when it ended. I was too numb to feel either emotion.

The day I found out I was going to miscarry, I knew deep down inside this needed to happen. Dann and I needed to go through the experience of losing you. I couldn't explain it better than that.

I knew that our home was no place for a child. I knew it would not be safe for you. I didn't understand how much needed to change until I thought of bringing you into the world. From then on, I wanted to make my body healthier. I wanted to make my mind healthier. I wanted to make my relationship with Dann healthier.

I wanted to know you would have been safe if you had lived.

Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for sacrificing your life so I could find mine. Thank you for sacrificing your life, so Dann could find himself. Thank you for coming and changing everything.

Thank you for saving me.

I don't know who I will become next. I don't know if I will ever be a mother to anyone but you.
My heart aches because I never knew you. I have tried to console myself with the thought that there wasn't really a child there. Only tonight, listening to Steph talk about Brie and Kendall, I knew differently.

I am sorry I wasn't ready to receive you. I am sorry I didn't know how to take better care of myself. I am sorry I didn't nurture you. I am sorry I didn't want you to come to our home.

I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I don't think I deserve it. I still don't want to be a mother. I still don't want to put my body through that. I still don't want you to come to my home.

For now, I am grateful for you. My life is forever different because of you.
Thank you,

your
would-have-been
mother

A little nervous

So, last week, I made this blog public... However, I purposely made it so family or friends couldn't find it by searching me.

My sister asked if she could read it. Since I actually started this whole thing as a way to share myself a little more, and I REALLY want my family to know me... I said yes.

I am tempted to go and delete a bunch of entries. I am tempted to change it so she only sees the fun, happy, smiling posts... but that would defeat the purpose.

So, here goes nothing.
Here's to letting people into my life. Here's to seeing if I am lovable as I am. Here's to a lot of worries and a lot of fears that probably have no basis in reality.

...here's to "feeling the fear and doing it anyway..."

Don't know where I found it, but I like it

I've made mistakes in my life.
I've let people take advantage of me,
and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But I've learned from my bad choices,
and even though there are some things I can never get back.
People who will never be sorry.
I'll know better next time.
I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.

Only Fifteen??

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. (Seriously, it only took like 15 seconds...)

These are in the order they came to me, not a ranking.

1. Living Without Regret
2. Tao of Equus
3. The Horse Boy
4. Prayers that Bring Miracles
5. Think and Grow Rich
6. Willpower is Not Enough
7. The Freedom Factor
8. Founding Fathers on Leadership (I also liked Martin Luther King Jr. on Leadership and Lincoln on Leadership, but Founding Fathers was my favorite.)
9. Bonds that Make us Free
10. Leadership and Self-Deception
11. Launching a Leadership Revolution
12. I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla-Sollew
13. Intuitive Eating
14. The Giver
15. It's Not About the Horse
16. Waking the Tiger

I tried to limit it to fifteen... I just couldn't... But I was close. :)
Although there are several others that are wandering around in my brain and want my attention...

1. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways
2. The Four Agreements
3. Shame and Grace
4. Stroke of Insight
5. Book of Heroes
6. I feel like I should put the Bible and the Book of Mormon...
7. You are Special
8. The Sexual Healing Journey
9. Lord of the Flies (It will stick with me forever, even though I sure wish it wouldn't!)
10. Calico Captive (The first historical fiction book I ever read. I loved it back then!!)
11. The Devil's Arithmetic (This book got me hooked on learning about WWII)
12. The Lottery Rose
13. Courage to Heal
14. The Great Brain books
15. The Work and the Glory books
16. Harry Potter books
17. Five Love Languages (and Five Languages of Apology)
    
18. The Future Diary
19. Power of Passion (a story about climbing Mount Everest)
20. Screwtape Letters
21. Hope for the Flowers
22. Terry Fox: His story

That's all... for now...

What a great day!

65 degrees...horses...deer...baby elk
good talks...great company...good food
great views
running through the mountains

Seriously... a great day!

I could get used to this

Sunday... instead of church...
World Championship Chariot Races

22.41 seconds... quarter mile race... horses running ALL OUT

people winning or losing a lot of money
(depending who wins)

...so cool!!!

Loves

horses... I love being with them. Watching them. Riding them. Learning about them.
being outdoors... mountains. valleys. neighborhoods. parks. beaches. lakes. streams. deserts. sunsets. sunrises. rain. snow. sunshine. wind. all of it.
walking... feeling my body move. seeing new things. hearing new sounds. thinking uninterrupted. the smell of others' laundry drying.
heart-to-heart talks...
my cat... she cuddles up and i feel loved without fear
exploring... learning new things. trying new skills. seeing new places. asking questions. pushing boundaries, even my own. reading about everything.
puddles... splashing in them. watching others splash them. cars splashing. the sound of the horses feet splashing in them.
jewelry... matching it with my wardrobe. finding cool new things. wearing it.
laughing... funny movies. inside jokes. sarcasm. cleverness.
diet coke with limes in it. caffeine-free variety, 'cause i don't like the shakiness.
salmon tacos.
barbacoa salads.
pizza factory breadsticks.
samoas cookies.
girl scout cookie thin mint ice cream. the REAL stuff! NOT the slow-churned variety.
popcorn popped in the stir-crazy popper.
new boxes of cereal.
smell of clean clothes.
hugs from good friends.
starting new projects.
music... playing it. listening to it. writing it. singing it. dancing to it.
getting warm... warm blankets. sticking my feet in the warm oven. standing by a campfire.
writing... my blog. journals. stories. thoughts.
art... drawing. photographing. designing. being messy and imperfect about it.
fresh fruit... strawberries. peaches. pineapple. crisp apples.
prayers... seeing the answers. the miracles. finding understanding.

Sarah Shelf Sitter

So, I was looking for a doll to use with my (overly depressing) analogy...

And I found this one.

While I didn't really think she fit what I was trying to portray, I couldn't help but LOVE her!!!

She can be purchased online here.

Seriously... I love her!

The doll

She sits on the shelf in her pretty dress with a smile on her face.

Sometimes he takes her down and plays with her. He takes her with him when he goes in the mountains or to the horses. She loves that. It makes her so happy. At the end of the day, he always puts her back on her shelf.

Sometimes he takes her down and takes her to softball games or puts her next to him while he watches TV. She would like more, but she is grateful she is no longer on the shelf.

Others occasionally take her down, play with her, talk to her, ask her to play the piano or help them, and she is glad she is loved.

She hates sitting on the shelf. She wants nothing more than to climb down. By herself.

Dance.
Laugh.
Be like the people she sees.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't. So she waits. And waits.
For someone else to love her.

She worries that the day will come when everyone forgets, and she stays on the shelf forever.

Getting Political

People say President Obama is making history today. Some people say this change has needed to come for so long. Some people are saying this is the end of the constitution.

I don't know enough to really form an opinion. I don't like the idea of the government taking control of anything more than is absolutely necessary.

Social Security has helped a lot of people. Still, there isn't money to continue making the social security payments they have been making... So, now the government is going to try to give everyone healthcare? It just sounds fishy to me.

I happen to be one of the people that can't get insurance under the current system. I have been "uninsurable" for most of my life. There was a short period of time that I could get private insurance. They asked for $800/month, and they didn't cover the few expenses I had. It wasn't worth paying for, so we canceled it. Since then, I have been denied insurance again.

Both Dann and I work for small companies that won't (or can't) pay for insurance.
President Obama thinks he can take care of me. At what cost? Will it really help me? If they require me to buy health insurance, but don't change the exploitative nature of the health insurance companies, that will only hurt me and help the big corporations.

I love the idea of everyone helping everyone. I love the idea of all of us taking care of each other. I love the idea of everyone giving what they can (which means that some will have more to give than others). I hate the idea of forcing people to do anything. I hate the idea of anyone telling me I have to take care of others. I hate the idea of anyone telling others they have to take care of me.

Have we become so stupid, so selfish, so lost that we require the government to tell us how to take care of ourselves and everyone else?

I would like to read the bill. I would like to know what changes will really be happening. I would like to know how this will really effect people like me. People like my CFC friends. People like the consumers at CUCIL. People like my parents and grandparents. The people in control of the government today. The people who will take control in the future.

Since the thing is more than a thousand pages of legal-sounding-mumbo-jumbo, I doubt I will ever take the time. I guess I will just wait and see how it is going to effect me and everyone else.

You aren't going to actually teach that shit are you?

Poor BJ, teaches the 12-year-old boys at church. He was trying to figure out how to teach the lesson on Sunday... Its title? Spirituality, but what it says... pisses me off. BJ just wanted to know how he could teach this without completely decimating Parker (a young man with an eating disorder).

"The intent of this lesson is to help each young man understand that part of spirituality is maintaining a proper relationship between the spirit and the body."

(A proper relationship?? Try a fucked up relationship... but whatever...)

This quiz should lead the young men from obvious to more reflective thought about their self-control.

Can you make your body walk?
Can you make your body laugh or cry anytime you want to?
Can you make your body get out of bed early in the morning?
Can you make your body go without food and drink for at least two meals?
AT LEAST TWO MEALS?!? Are you kidding me? BJ, if you say that to Parker, or any of those boys, I might hunt you down...
Can you make your body kneel to pray and read the scriptures daily?
Can you keep your body from reacting to evil thoughts?
Whose definition of evil? I am pretty DAMN sure I have spent my life trying to not be evil, and really?!? At this point, I think I would prefer to be evil than to be what I have been...
Can you make your body respond properly to anger, greed, hate, jealousy, envy, and pride?
So, what is proper? I was taught not to show those emotions EVER. By the people at church, and by my parents who went to church... Seriously. GAH!
President David O. McKay defined spirituality as “the consciousness of victory over self, and of communion with the Infinite” (Gospel Ideals [Salt Lake City: Improvement Era, 1953], p. 390).

Spirituality is our spirit directing our flesh, under the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
I'll accept this definition...

“If the spirit yields to the body, the Devil then has power to overcome the body and spirit of that man, and he loses both.
Recollect … every one of you, that when evil is suggested to you, when it arises in your hearts, it is through the [body]. When you are tempted, buffeted, and step out of the way … ; when you are overtaken in a fault, or commit an overt act unthinkingly; when you are full of evil passion, and wish to yield to it, then stop and let the spirit, which God has put into your [bodies], take the lead. If you do that, I will promise that you will overcome all evil, and obtain eternal lives. But many, very many, let the spirit yield to the body, and are overcome and destroyed” (Discourses of Brigham Young, comp. John A. Widtsoe [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1954], p. 70).

I'd like to point out that any time we feel the spirit, it is also in the body... I know, whoda thunk it?? The body IS useful for something.

• What can you do to help your spirit gain more control over your body?
• Why is it important to seek the Lord’s help in gaining this control?
• How has the Lord helped you gain better control over the flesh?

I don't like these questions. And this whole quote? Sounds like shit to me... Sounds like a stupid man that doesn't understand the body or the spirit or anything... But thinks he does... and we listen to this crap??

Maybe when I have calmed down, I will write something less angry, but poignant... so someone will stop teaching this crap!!!!

Even those that are really deep.

Celebrating a friend's birthday. Eating at Tucano's. Who would be in line behind us?

Richard G. Scott

The man whose talks on abuse have been like my bible... The man whose words I have lived by whenever things have been too hard to think... One of the few men in leadership of the church that I believe understands what I am going through, and who I trust... One of the few people on BJ's list of approved people for me to listen to...

As soon as I saw him, I started to cry. I gave him my best radiant smile through the tears... And I sat down. I told Dann who he was. I sat at the table, shaking, crying, trying to look okay, but I just wanted to talk to him.

I wasn't sure what to say. I knew I wouldn't really have a chance to talk, but I wanted him to know how grateful I was.

Other people started noticing it was him. Several others went and took pictures with him. I didn't want to be obnoxious like that. Chris and Emily went and talked to him. Kyle and Karli went and talked to him. Dann and Jen sat there...

Until suddenly Jen was walking towards him. Dann followed me, and just as I was about to chicken out, Dann smiled at him and caught his attention. "This is my wife, and she would like to talk to you for a second."

I just wanted to thank you for your talks on abuse. They have really helped me.

He smiled, he has very kind eyes, and said, "The amazing thing about the atonement is that it truly will heal EVERY scar. Even those that are really deep. Trust that."

At this point, I was no longer breathing. Eyes were too teary to see. He smiled again, touched my hand, and moved on. Dann and I left the restaurant, and I sobbed. The sobs that come from deep inside. Dann asked what I was thinking.

I don't know. No thoughts. Just deep emotions. Very deep. Hurts. Fears.

Hope.

It was amazing that HE was there. Not any of the others that I don't really care about. Just him. At Tucano's... Which is not a place we would go to normally... I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. I am glad I talked to him. Not something I would have done before:

• Admitting that I have been abused to a complete stranger.
• Talking to someone that is "famous" but that I don't know. Even with the feeling that I am annoying, and he doesn't want to hear me, and... all of that... I still talked.

Not what I expected from going to Tucano's... but when is life ever what I expect?

He has given many talks. Several on the same topic.
To me, PERSONALLY, he said, I can be healed. I can trust.

I heard him tell ME that I could be healed.

Not Gonna Do It

Dann plays church ball. Its a rather ridiculous sport, but... he enjoys it.

His team was in the Stake tournament. (They actually won, but that is not the point of this entry.) I don't enjoy watching a bunch of anal-retentive, self-righteous, angry men play ball, so I don't usually go to the games. However, for the Tournament, I wanted to be there to support Dann. (He is not one of the anal-retentive, self-righteous, angry men... He is a calm one there...)

Dann's team was winning, which made the other team play very dirty. With just a couple minutes left in the game they were intentionally trying to foul... So, one guy PUNCHED a guy on Dann's team. (I felt freaked out, but remained sitting in my chair. There was no running away or screaming even though I thought about it.) Dann yelled at the puncher, and then at the ref for not even calling the foul.

Honestly, Dann getting angry or upset is very hard for me. I am immediately back to really scary times. I don't like it. I wasn't upset at him though... Anxious. Nervous. Crazy in my head. Just not at him.

Another guy started telling Dann to "Chill Out."
Something in my mind snapped... Couldn't understand why or what... I just... sat there, because I didn't understand what I was feeling.

Today, I was telling BJ about it. I got to the part where the dude said, "Chill out."

And my story changed. I started yelling.

"Shut the fuck up! Did you not see what just happened? People don't chill out when there are people punching other people!!! Chilling out would be an unnatural stupid reaction! You stupid, stupid man..."

I was not okay with someone calmly telling (me) to chill out when things are WRONG.
I WON'T! I WON'T! I WON'T! Even though, I did...

Sometimes you have to yell. Sometimes you have to make a fuss. Sometimes people need to understand that its not okay!

I wish I had yelled at the dude.
But then again, I am absolutely terrified of anger... especially my own...

breakin da laa

Across the street from me is a sign, "Lose a half a pound or more a day!" At least twice a day, I look at it and it annoys me. Last night, K made a comment about it.

I told her I had thought about stealing it before. And then... she did it!

I think about it. I don't do it.
Only now, I have the evidence in the trunk of my car...

Best Medicine Ever

Lately, my life has been completely consumed with the past... trauma... problems... crap... Nightmares... and "stuff" and... anyways, my insides have been tied in all sorts of knots.

Tonight we went to Justin's play, The Complete Works of Wllm Shkspr. So much fun. Laughed the whole time. Loved it!

It was the deep down kind of laugh...
Not the "I am supposed to laugh and smile."
Nor the, "I am nervous, so I am laughing."
But the "I can't help but laugh, because this is funny, and I am completely caught up in the funniness."

So all those knots? Gone. I can breath. I can think.
I'm smiling just because I feel like smiling.

Marathon Session

Paul...

His first question, "Have you slept at all since I saw you last?"
Yes... of course I have slept since I saw you last, but not a whole lot... And even when I do, its so... I mean, I sweat more in my sleep than I ever did as an over-exerciser.

Then he did the unthinkable. Sometimes he can just be so CRUEL. He told me to lay down and get comfortable.

Who's comfortable? Yours or mine?? He thinks comfortable is sprawling out on the couch. I think comfortable is curling up in a ball and hugging a pillow. He let me get MY comfortable.

He's been reading Waking the Tiger. The assignment from the book I never did? Because it freaked me out so DAMN MUCH!?! He asked those questions, "How do you know THIS is comfortable?" "What do you feel in your body?" and (not from the book), "Why are you crying?"

I don't know why I'm crying... except that I feel like crying... welcome to laying down with Jen... I wish I could remember his other questions, because they were so much better than they used to be. They got me to that incredibly yucky, overwhelming, need to go there, DON'T WANNA, place.

I was both confused and cognizant at the same time. At moments, I was crying, "NO!" and then the next moment explaining to him what was happening. When he asked questions about things that weren't related, I could tell him he was going in the wrong direction... however, I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... but I could tell him that I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... Poor Paul... Its a wonder he doesn't go insane.

Eventually, everything in me started to shake and I sobbed, "I want them to hurt. Sometimes everyone. Sometimes specific people. I want them to hurt like I hurt. I want them to feel what it feels like to have your whole world ripped apart. I want them to know how it feels to be physically split apart because he forces himself where he shouldn't go. I want them to know what it feels like to go through all of that in their home with a person that is supposed to love and protect them. I want them to know what it feels like to feel that terror. I want them to hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally. I want all of those people who's worst trials are whether or not they will pass math to KNOW what I feel. I want all of those people that judge me for not doing what they think I should to UNDERSTAND like I understand..."

He cried. Paul cried! He told me that it was not only okay that I feel all those things, but it is natural. And although I may want to show them by putting them through that, I don't have to. My words just might help them understand. I put it it well enough for him to understand.

And then we talked about the Anger I feel, but can't feel all at the same time... and the fear of that Anger. And I don't want to be that person... and I don't know how to not be... I am so hurt and so angry, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do... and...

He said it made sense that I would feel that so black and white. I am either the Victim or the Rapist. He promised there was an in-between. A "Righteous Indignation" that would be where God really is.

He gave me the assignment to look up scriptures and resources on "Righteous Indignation". Find information on when its okay to stand up for yourself.

Does that even exist? I told him I had never looked up that term, but I had looked up "Women's Rights" on the church's website, and I only found a bunch of trash. Stuff like, "Stop talking about women's rights and talk about responsibilities and opportunities." It even included the "opportunity" to give sex when you didn't want to. And serve your spouse. And the "right to say no is not as important as the opportunity to say yes."

He told me that one day he saw me teaching people. There is an avalanche of "stuff" being taught that God lets his people teach, because there is some good, but there is also a lot that needs to be changed and "tempered". I have a special ability to do that.

I confused him by smiling. If I had not been raised in the home I was raised in; If I did not have to learn how to "mediate" to protect my brother; I would not be able to to talk with the calm that I do now. There is a lot of emotion that I need to feel. (I need to NOT be the calm mediator that lacks emotions just so people will listen. I NEED TO YELL AND SHOUT AND SCREAM!) Still... I do have an ability to speak so others can listen. I would not have that if I had not HAD to have that when I was very young.

I had one of those "see-the-big-picture-and-all-that-I-can-do-because-of-the-crap" moments. I don't think for a second God wanted me to be hurt, but He did know me well enough to know who I could become because of it.

Not sure if its possible to feel COMPLETELY wiped out, and energized at the same time, but I do.

I'm stuck in the past...

Because my brain is currently in the year 2000... I went looking for pictures. I don't have many. But here is what I have:

Henrietta the Hedgehog.

She got put to sleep in March 2000. I didn't even care enough to cry or be angry. I am now.

I'm overly made-up and with big hair... But this is me January 2000.

Santa Larry... He dressed up and went to his sister's house. (Christmas 1999)

My friend was trying to get a degree in photography. She asked us to come play models for her.

This was right after Larry and I got married. The whole family went on a trip to Washington D.C. I wanted to go there so bad, but the trip was hell. This is my brother, Zack, and my cousin, Ruth.

Another picture playing model...

Us with my old roommates in Spring 2000.

A dinner with Laurie (the orchestra teacher that saved my life). I worked as her assistant and planned the high school music department tour. We went to Las Vegas. Larry loved this picture of me. He said he couldn't wait for us to have kids... He knew we would make beautiful children. I was good looking, so was he... blah!

I don't know WHY I felt it so necessary to find and share these pictures. I just DID. So I am. I look happy in all of them. Why is it that when I look back I don't feel happy...

I KNOW what was happening to the person in these pictures. It wasn't good. I guess I hoped to see some evidence that what I am going through and feeling now is justified. I mean if I could see misery or heartache in my eyes, then it would make sense to be hurting now, right?

But I can't see it. I look fine. Which makes me want to scream.

In all seriousness...

The guilt. If you can't laugh at it, then really? What's the point?

I am suddenly aware of a lot of people trying to MAKE me feel guilty. Like TV and radio commercials:

"For just a few dollars a month you can make the life of an animal better. If you don’t send us this money, these animals will die because of YOU. All you had to do was write us a check and this animal would have lived."

"For only a few dollars more a month, you can feed a hungry child, educate it, and make its future bright. By not rushing us this money, YOU are personally responsible for the wide spread illiteracy and hunger across the globe."

"And since you didn’t buy pink ribbon items (or post your bra color to build awareness) you are most certainly hellbound."

You couldn’t buy a DARE shirt to keep kids off drugs? Shame on you, selfish bastard!

(Why is it that I think this is so darn funny? And why doesn't anyone else??)

The Overly Apologetic

The book (Five Languages of Apology) talks about those people who are constantly apologizing... You know? Like Jen?

It gives different categories:

"I assume its my fault - When things go wrong in relationships, I just assume it is my fault. So I apologize. I always feel like I am in error."

When I apologize, I apologize for existing... That kind of apology does not feel sincere or helpful. Dann doesn't feel like I am trying to change or get better or even acknowledging his pain. Even when I DO apologize for something I did, and I try to be sincere, he doesn't feel it, because I am ALWAYS apologizing. If I decided I was worth more than shit, and stopped apologizing for breathing, then when I DID apologize, he would feel it. He would feel loved.

"I want to get it over with - They are willing to accept responsibility and apologize even if they do not sense that they are at fault simply to get the issue settled."

I have done this out of fear. If it wasn't resolved, and quickly, things could get really ugly. In my home growing up, with Larry, with Dann.

"For (the overly apologetic), they desire peace at any price. They would rather admit wrong if the arguments and conflicts will cease. Emotional calmness is more important than being right. While this may appear to be an admirable trait, it often simmers as inner resentment.
Such internalized resentment often creates emotional distance between two individuals. On the surface things seem to be relatively calm, but underneath and emotional explosion is in the making. Failure to process the resentment can lead to the destruction of a relationship."

Peace at any price is not the road to authentic relationships. It might be the road to survival. It might be the road to "get through the day." It might be the only thing I could think of in the past, but I want something different now. I am capable of something different now.

Cheap Grace

I stole (and by stole, I mean borrowed) BJ's book, The Five Languages of Apology, because I wanted to understand what he was trying to learn... I wanted to support and help him... and I like learning new things. I didn't think it would effect me so much.

I LOVED this part:

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, "If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, "You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you." Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in hte same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins.

When a pastor (or the damn Bishop!!!) encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus' teaching is that we are to be willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Jesus express His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God.

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one's anger to God through forbearance.

Forgiveness without requiring repentance is "cheap grace".

All those men that gave me instructions... The bishops that insisted I had to forgive, even if he was still hurting me... They just had everything out of context. They didn't understand. And that's okay. I forgive them for not knowing...

There comes a time

I've been struggling... Yesterday, I wrote about how I wanted to change the world, but all I could think about was stupid eating disorder CRAP. I spent last night "acting out" but also pacing between my bookshelves, movie shelves, and piano.

I want to read something, but the only things I have are autobiographies and biographies of people with really hard lives or therapy-type books. I am tired of the hard. I want something fluffy... only I HATE fluffy. I get angry and anxious with the fluffy...

Watch a movie... but I can't bring myself to just sit there. Something inside tells me there is work to be done. Movies with silly characters, annoy me. Anything with sex or violence triggers me. I could force myself to watch that, and maybe eventually it wouldn't bother me so much. But... no...

Play the piano, but there is so much emotion in music. I don't want that.

In the end, I spent the night obsessing about eating disorder crap.

Thinking about it now, I feel selfish. Not in the way that other people have called me, but in the true definition of selfish. I don't want hard. I don't want emotions. I know there is work to be done, but I don't want to.

There is a reason I feel the way I do. There is a reason I have gotten so angry. There is a reason I have been led on this journey. There comes a time when getting angry alone in the office is just not enough. In order to change things, I have to be brave.

What can I do to change the things that make me so angry?
I don't know. One thought: put my blog out there for people to see.
(But they won't want to read that stuff... It is all stupid crap from a silly girl... It won't make any difference to anyone...And I don't know if I could handle that...) Maybe that's true, or maybe one person will see one thing and it will help them.
Actually send the letter I wrote to President Monson... Actually write articles to the church magazines... Actually talk OUT LOUD to someone that could make a difference... Share with others like I have talked about doing... Actually do SOMETHING instead of just thinking about how much things suck.

And maybe doing something to help someone else will help that other part of me realize she can get up. She doesn't have to stay there. She doesn't have to let him keep hurting her.

And maybe, I just might change the world.

Its just not happening

I had planned to spend the day blogging... or reading... or doing something helpful...

I just don't feel like it. There is a lot I wish I had already written about:
objectification of women/pornography
people in the church have perpetuated the belief that I am worthless because I am a woman, but its not really their fault... its the world we live in...
getting angry
the ride yesterday

But again, I just don't feel like it... I am having a hard time gathering my thoughts well enough to write anything down. Every time I sit down... all that is there is eating disorder...I know there is so much more than that. I KNOW it! So, why is this SHIT (literally) consuming my brain?

I want to make a difference in the world. I want to inspire others. I want to make people laugh and smile. I want people to know that just because they have been through hell, they don't have to stay there. I want to share the miraculous.

Instead, I am thinking about the evils of cookies and DDR and silly stuff like that...

Thanks so much!

Talking to a tech at CFC... She said, "I hear you are doing SO GOOD! That is awesome!"

"So good"... what does that even mean?
I ate my dinner tonight
I spent the day crying uncontrollably for no reason...
I just finished yelling and screaming at my poor husband... again for no good reason... except that he is male...
I slept like two hours last night, and that was filled with night terrors...
I am so angry at you for even saying this, I am currently picturing clawing your face...

So, yeah, I guess I AM doing so good...

And then, I smile and say, "Thanks so much!"

I thought everyone thought like me...

57 guys signed up to play basketball in our ward. Two teams.

Dann asked if there was anyone willing to "sit this one out". I was sure EVERYONE would say they would... He wouldn't even have enough for one team.

55 guys said they "want to play every week!" (In other words, I don't care that the slots are limited... I want to be the one that plays!)
One said he was willing to be a reserve player.
Dann said he would sit it out. (He REALLY wanted to play, but wanted to give someone else a chance.)

How could I have been so wrong?
I guess that is why EVERY WEEK, we hear about how we shouldn't be selfish... we should think of others...

Two guys... TWO! were willing to give up what they wanted for someone else...

You're right! I'm not a size ANYTHING. I am Jen.

I went swimsuit shopping with a friend yesterday. She was stressing that now I know what size she wears. In an effort to get her to stop stressing about the DAMN NUMBER, I said, "Presently, in my closet I have size 1 to size 10, and I wear that whole range. It just depends on the cut... SIZE is NOT important!!"

Her reply, "There is no way you are a size 10!"

You're right! I am not a size 10! I am Jen, and I just happen to wear the clothes that fit. I don't care what number that is... 10, 1, 7, 42... It doesn't matter!!!

She didn't understand. She still thinks she's right. She entirely missed the point...

Snow!

In an attempt to cope with life... while not being able to ride horses in the mountains... I have taken up photography... Just for fun... at least it gets me outside:

Who's a survivor?

Last week, I wore my new "Survivor" sweatshirt to Wal-Mart. (BJ bought it for me. I wore it while we were riding because I didn't think the horses would care.) I had just gotten back, and hadn't taken it off... I didn't think I would see anyone I knew. I was wrong.

N... The girl who's trial was that her husband went to basic training for three weeks... The girl that I feel cranky towards whenever anyone talks about trials.

I hid from her. I know she saw me. We made eye contact... but I was scared she would read my shirt, and think... What?!? I wasn't sure... I just couldn't let her see me... and know THAT about me...

Today, all of facebook decided to post the color of their bra in an attempt to bring awareness to breast cancer. I refused... I just didn't want to... The whole thing frustrated me. The final straw came when an acquaintance (notice I didn't use the word friend...) posted, "So as far as this color thing is concerned-I will just say that my color is whatever color a "survivor" wants to be."

Inside my brain, I lost it. ANGER. If I had been congruent, there would have been explosions coming out of my ears and smoke from my nose. But I didn't understand why I was so upset, and Dann was sleeping, so I just sat with it. And now I am blogging about it...

How dare SHE call herself a survivor. She lived. So... Does that say anything about those that die? And that's the WORST that can happen... you either live or you die. And everyone talks about it, cares about it, helps those with cancer through it... To abuse survivors, they say such things as:

• When are you going to get over that?
• Why do you need so much attention?
• It was just sex... what's the big deal?
• Stop talking about it...
• Or they just get uncomfortable... and I feel like crap because they are uncomfortable

To clarify, I want a cure for cancer to be found. I know it must be awful to go through the chemo, and the fear of dying... but... there are worse things than dying.

And I can't even go to Wal-Mart with a survivor shirt on without feeling like I am dirty, disgusting, horrible, sick, attention-seeking, etc. etc. etc. And she can just post it, and people congratulate her? Call her an inspiration?

People don't know. Don't understand. Don't care.

I lived. I continue to fight, to live, to survive, and maybe someday to thrive and make a difference. No one knows how long or what it will take.

Can I call myself a survivor if most people will never know about the battle? And no one knows when or what it takes to win?

Stroke of Insight - Sleep

It was a while ago that a friend of mine suggested the book, Stroke of Insight. I bought it, but then couldn't convince myself to pick it up and read it... A few days ago, I picked it up again...
SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!

The book is about a brain doctor who suffers a stroke. Dr. Jill Taylor tells what it was like to literally "lose her mind" and then find it again. Reading about her recovery, reminded me of my own...
She talks repeatedly about the importance of sleep to. I marked several passages about it:

"On and off throughout the day, the energy in my body waxed and waned from a little bit of energy to a completely empty tank. With sleep, my reservoir filled a little and then I spent that energy trying to do or think something. Once my reserve was used up, I had to go back to sleep. I learned that I had no staying power and once my energy was shot, I fell limp. I realized I had to pay very close attention to my energy gauge. I would have to learn how to conserve it and be willing to sleep to restore it."

How many times have I experienced that completely drained feeling... limp... but I forced myself to keep going? lots...

"Over the course of several years, if I didn't respect my brain's need for sleep, my sensory systems experienced agonizing pain and I became psychologically and physically depleted."

Ummm... sounds like almost everyday of my life... hmmm

"I firmly believe that if I had been placed in a conventional rehabilitation center where i was forced to stay awake with a TV in my face, alert on Ritalin, and subjected to rehab on someone else's schedule, I would have chose to zone out more and try less. For my recovery, it was critical that we honor the healing power of sleep. i know various methodologies are practiced at rehabilitation facilities around the country, yet I remain a very loud advocate for the benefits of sleep, sleep, sleep, and more sleep interspersed with periods of learning and cognitive challenge."

I believe rest is far more important than anyone understands. So many people pushed me, saying, "It's depression." It WAS depression, because things weren't right, and pushing... didn't really help.

Slowing down, resting, laying down in my little corner... is so necessary. Going s-l-o-w is when I process the past trauma and things change. The more I push, rush, hurry, etc... Everything gets so jumbled, I forget my own name.

At least its not a million (anymore)

Recovering from a stroke is not that different from recovering from PTSD and an eating disorder:

"Recovery was a decision I had to make a million times a day. Was I willing to put forth the effort to try? Was I willing to momentarily leave my newly found ecstatic bliss to try to understand or reengage with something in the external world? Bottom line, was I willing to endure the agony of recovery?"

I walked around in a numb daze. It was not what I wanted, but at the same time, it was hard to leave the comfort of the numbness. And recovery... has been agonizing.

The comfort of the numbness, the dissociation, and disconnecting, still call to me... Am I willing to endure? I have endured a lot... and I suppose you could say I hope to endure all things... But I still have to make the decision to recover at least a hundred times a day.

That's something no one tells you at the beginning...

New Years Resolutions

This blog:
http://www.beautifulyoubyjulie.com/2009/12/new-years-resolutions-diets-part-three.html

AMAZING!
If I could have written it, I would have.

Dear Body,

I understand you have been through a lot. I completely get your need to throw temper tantrums, but right now is a very bad time. You see... we are so worn out. We need to rest. We need sleep. We do not need any more body memories, night terrors, panic attacks, etc.

I am completely willing to go through the shit you insist on putting me through, but just not tonight. Please, will you chill out for just one night??

I am glad that we have worked this out. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Sleep,

Why do you hate me so?
Every time I start to drift off... everything tenses... my muscles ache.
Head throbbing. Want to run away. Scream. Cry.
Can we come to some sort of agreement?
Meet me half way??

Oh well... never mind...
See you tomorrow??

This moment

...is what Joy feels like.

Horses... Mountains... Snow... Quiet... Friendship... Remembering the past... Its IN the past... Hope... Stillness... I'm different... Gratitude... The contrast... deep sorrows... healing... Peace...

There are no words. It just is.

Miraculous Shit!

I have felt stuck for a very long time... This past week, so much has happened, I no longer feel stuck, I feel... a lot of other things instead.

On Wednesday, I remembered.
I have experienced flashbacks of it,. Confusion surrounding it. I thought I was crazy. Paul kept digging. Suddenly, in the afternoon, crying in the corner of the office, I knew.

Emily and Calli... Calli's dad... the shower...

The next day, it was strangely VERY IMPORTANT to not let K take advantage of me anymore. At first, I thought I was just avoiding. Still... I just went with it...

I talked to K. I talked to Paul. She was angry. I didn't back down. I felt so much better... lighter... stronger...

Friday, I woke up HAPPY! In those few seconds between sleeping and waking, I suddenly gained so much insight into me.

Emily had manipulated me for years, "If you don't do what I want, I'll tell everyone how disgusting you are. No one will want to be your friend."

Eventually, I stopped doing what she wanted, and she DID tell people, and it worked. I was shunned. I switched schools. I found some really good friends, but in the back of my mind, "If they knew, they wouldn't be my friends. I don't deserve friends like them." They never had the intention of manipulating me, but I was still manipulated into doing and being what I thought they wanted.

As I grew older, made new friends, I found many who took advantage of my eagerness to please. I had forgotten WHY I had to do everything for everyone, but I remembered I was worthless, disgusting, and if anyone knew, they wouldn't be my friend.

The friendship with K FELT the same. I HAD to do what she wanted. I lied, I kept secrets, I did so much that I didn't want to do... Standing up to her, changed everything. I was no longer a slave to anyone. I was free!

All day, I walked around feeling light as air. No guilt. (WEIRD!) It felt so good to see a world of new possibilities...

As good as I knew all of this was, I couldn't bring myself to write about it at first, so BJ did.

"It was a miracle. Months and months of incredible effort and painful enduring. One miracle."

He's right. It was a miracle, but its the kind of miracle that sucks too. Answer to my prayers? Absolutely. A step in the right direction? No doubt. Finally knowing what I am dealing with? Good... And now I gotta deal with it.

Its important to me

Facebook has been a place where I don't say or do anything that might suggest life is not perfect... Its not that I am trying to hide...its just that I am trying to hide...

I use the excuse that its not the place to discuss hard things (it might not be). I use the excuse that no one wants to read about sad things. I use the excuse that its a place where everyone shares only their best side. (We don't take pictures of our family when we are fighting... We take pictures when we are happy.) I use the excuse that I don't want to be attention seeking like some people I know.

I did something a little different tonight. I posted that I signed a petition asking a columnist to apologize for blaming a victim of rape. I honestly believe she WANTED to give good advice, but she didn't. The original letter (and her response) is here.

I couldn't figure out WHY what she said bothered me so much, but it did.
I thought about friends, who still won't use the word "Rape" to describe what happened to them. I wouldn't use it until after several others had used it first. And still, I have only said it out-loud a few times... Why? Because I feel silly using such a strong word to describe what happened to me. Because people will think of me as disgusting, or they'll question what I am saying, Because it is a very scary, nasty, ugly word used to describe a very scary, nasty, ugly, horrible act. Because I don't want people to blame me. Because I don't want to be laughed at. Because it could have been so much worse... I don't deserve to use that word to describe what happened to me.

The girl in the column wrote in asking, "I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape? I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened." She needed help, support, someone to tell her she wasn't alone and...

Instead, Amy STARTS her response by saying, "First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact."

No, that is NOT first. The girl admitted to making poor choices. She did NOT need to hear that she was a victim of her own awful judgment. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. And wrong.
First, she was a victim of rape. She needs help. There may come a time where she will need to take responsibility for the choices that put her at risk, but that is very, very far down the road.

This girl wrote an advice columnist feeling helpless, scared, alone, shamed, hurt, and so much more... And the advice columnist entirely missed the point. And she perpetuated a lot of crap. I don't think she is the only one with a problem, but there a lot of people that need to change the way they think. If I were responding to the letter, I would have written it like this:

Dear Victim?:
First, if you don’t consent to sex, it is rape. There is no second.

Whether you were drunk or sober is irrelevant. Although being drunk and agreeing to go to someone's room could make you feel responsible, it doesn't make what happened to you any less of a violation.

All the risk reduction measures in the world could never amount to risk prevention. In the end, the person responsible for rape is the perpetrator; he is the ONLY one who can prevent it. What he did was WRONG!

The most important thing now is for you to get whatever help you need. You know what’s best for you. I would encourage you to speak to someone you trust. I assume you wrote to Amy, because you felt afraid, uncertain, scared, maybe a little crazy, doubting yourself, questioning everything you ever thought about yourself or the world around you. Amy is naive, blind, IGNORANT. She doesn't know. Talk to someone who does... a counselor, a doctor, a church leader... and keep looking until you find someone who can help you understand what happened and heal from it.

Were you violated? Yes. And then you were revictimized by Amy Dickinson who blamed you. There will be others like her. Remember, there are others who understand, and who know better.

You have a very hard journey ahead of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jen

Many people wrote the Tribune blasting Amy. I wish the blasting weren't so... blasting... because what is important is getting lost in the arguing. She even wrote an apology (here), but she still very much missed the point.

Just because a girl is drunk... doesn't mean anything... A man can get drunk, and he is not in danger... But... I don't think getting drunk is okay... And... the girl getting drunk has nothing to do with anything. People who are completely sober also completely freeze when they are raped. It is a way to survive the moment... It feels very confusing afterwards... Why didn't I fight harder? How could it be rape, when I just let it happen? Its actually a completely normal response. It does not make what he did okay!!!! Ever!

So, I signed the petition. And then I posted it to facebook. I didn't say I was a victim, but...

It FEELS like I did. Suddenly, I feel vulnerable... everyone is going to know how disgusting I am... And they are going to hate me and despise me... and... they are not going to respond to the post, but will think lots of horrible things about me.

I am trying to pretend like I don't care what people think when they see that, but really, I care a lot. I want people to understand and to change. And I'm afraid most will not do either.