Letter of hope - rough draft

When I entered CFC, I believed I could give up the eating disorder behaviors on my own. I had done it before, but I knew I needed help to change me. I walked in the doors ready and willing to give up the eating disorder, anxieties, and anything else that might stand in my way.

I was scared. I didn't want to be around other women who weren't willing to fight as hard as I was. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing women there with me. Everyone there was willing and working so hard to change their lives. I am so grateful that I was lead to CFC at that exact moment in time.

I fought hard the whole time I was there. And then it came time to leave. I wasn't cured... and in fact when I left had more anxieties and crazy feelings than when I walked in.

I went back to work, but struggled to get anything done. I couldn't sleep at night. I had new fears, new nightmares, new struggles and pains that I had never experienced before. At first, I was angry. Why didn't they help me? Why didn't they change me for the better? Why am I worse now? But, as time as passed, I have seen the amazing depth of the things CFC taught me.

I continued to fight against the eating disorder. I continued to talk about the things that had happened to me in the past. I continued to talk about how I felt. I continued to challenge false beliefs. I just kept pushing forward - even when I wasn't sure which direction forward was.

I couldn't see it at the time, but everyday things were changing. I was learning, growing, and becoming someone new and better.

I researched ways to better myself. I asked questions of people around me. The answers I got astounded me - I had learned everything from something at CFC.

Radical acceptance, Opposite Action, Non-judgment, Be an observer, Be mindful, Listen to your heart, Sound waves for healing, Analyzing lyrics, Openness and honesty, the value of journaling, positive coping mechanisms, Listen to your body, Self-care, Ask for help, etc.

There was nothing that I hadn't heard before. How blessed I am to have had that experience that taught me so much (even if I need reminders because I can't remember it all).

And now, I can see the changes everyday. Last week, I cried, REALLY cried for the first time in 25 years. Today, when I felt a little discouraged, I also knew it would pass and I would feel hopeful again. Who knows what will change tomorrow? I am excited to find out.

Although the abuse and trauma from my past have changed me forever, I am healing from them. They will not run my life forever - and in fact the power they have had over me shrinks and evaporates everyday. I know I will heal completely, and I will be stronger than I can imagine right now.

I don't want to... a deep look into my brain

There is so much to write. I know it will help me. I know it will get me through this. I know it feels better if i am regularly writing here... I just don't wanna.

I don't know what to right (that's crap, but I am going to say it anyways.) I don't want to write the things that I am thinking about. I just want it all to go away NOW!!!

I don't want to write about observing myself as I have a flashback. I don't want to write about trying to remember my own memories from my point of view, so that I can have control of them. (If they're my memories, I can control them - if they aren't, I have no control... Its a theory.)
I don't want to write how my body has been extra sensitive the past two days, and I really don't want anyone touching me. Even Bishop Johnson - don't hug me, don't come near me. STAY AWAY.

I don't want to write about my nightmares or flashbacks. I don't want to write about how much it hurts, or how confused I feel. I don't want to write about how I feel stuck between two worlds.
I don't want to write about how guilty I feel that Lauren has thanked me for my example when it comes to the gospel, and I have such a hard time going to church. It makes me sad, but I don't want to write about it.

I even don't want to write about how fun the day was. I don't want to write about how good it felt to be outside, and to be with him - even though I wasn't playing. I want to go again, because it was way fun. I don't want to write about how I survived watching a movie, doing ties, and just talking with him until almost 10, and I spent the whole day with him.

I don't want to write about how intense everything is right now. I don't want to write about how this morning I woke up feeling intensely depressed and angry, but then it all worked out. I got over those feelings.

I don't want to write about how much I just wanted to take pills today. I don't want to write about how I am thinking about taking them even now. I don't want to write about how much I wanted to play DDR. I don't want to write about how much I enjoyed walking today. I love the way it feels to move my muscles and just look at things around me. I don't want to write about all of the thoughts I had while I was walking.

I don't want to write about how I really want to become a foster mom for very young children, and look into adopting children from foster care. I know I am not ready for that yet, but it makes me happy thinking about it in the near future. I think my husband and I would be the perfect people to help kids who have been through hell in their early lives to sort it all out.

I don't want to write about how fun it was to talk to my husband about himself, and the things he is trying to sort out and learn and heal from.

I don't want to write about coming to the Johnson's home, and that although I am incredibly grateful that I can be here, and that I have this opportunity, I really just want to be home. I want to wake up next to my husband tomorrow morning... instead, I am going to wake up here, and it makes me cranky.

I don't want to write about the goal I have to set up a home where other people in the same situation as me can come to feel safe. I will have staff to help them in the nights, but then they will go about their daily lives too... just a place to sleep and get through the flashbacks, nightmares, and to have a chance to sort things out.

I don't want to write about how afraid I feel right now. I don't want to go to sleep, because I can feel a lot of emotions just waiting to get me and overwhelm me. I know they say don't resist, but i don't want to go through it anymore!

I don't want to write about how I wish Bishop Johnson was in here with me, or Dann was here, or someone was here, because I just don't want to be alone. But then, I remember that when they are here, its more frightening, and I feel crazy.

I don't want to write about how I want to do something really cool for my husband's birthday. I don't know what - I just want him to know that I am grateful for him, and that he is special to me.

I don't want to write about how worried I am about Katie. I don't want to write about how angry I am at her for giving in, and for giving up. I don't want to write about how sad I feel when I think about my friend... who is still alive, but I can't really talk to. I don't know where she went, but she's not here.

I don't want to write about how much I just want to go for a walk right now. I don't want to write about how I hate being here. I don't want to write about how I just wish I had a home where I felt safe, and it was mine.

i don't want to write about how much I am dreading going to church tomorrow but I always survive it - its not that bad. What's my problem? When will I ever get over all of my stupidness?!?

i don't want to write about the names I keep calling myself inside my head. I don't want to write about how ineffective and stupid that is, and yet I keep doing it. I don't want to write about how I feel like I should punish myself, because I don't deserve all of the love, help, and time I have been given by the Johnsons, my sweetheart, and so many others.

I don't want to write about how tired I feel: physically, emotionally, mentally: just tired all over!

I just don't want to have to write anymore. I want to go home, and just be done with all of this CRAP!

T-shirts

"you're uncomfortable talking about rape?".....(and then on the back maybe)...."Just think how I felt living it!"

"this is what a survivor looks like"

I refuse to lose

"Survivor under construction"

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be very happy."

Your mother
Jane Doe was raped today.... ....ready to join us NOW?

"I was never your victim...Only a strong person who happened to be, At the wrong place, At the wrong time."

emotionally fragile but stronger than you'll ever know

Believe me, I wish I could just "Get over it"

I WANT A REAL MAN who can appreciate the thrill of a conscious consenting lover!

"Ha! I Win"

Real
Adults say
Please and
Excuse me

I have to live with it... --RAPED--

"Ignorance may be bliss but it's not a choice for me!"

I run like a girl! (on the front) Just try and keep up! (on the back)

Pleading

I don't feel like writing. I don't know what to write. It hurts like hell. Please don't touch me. I can't sleep... I'm trying. I feel sick. My whole body hurts. I don't want to be alone here. I want to be normal now, but I'm not.

Please don't make me go through this anymore. Forgive me, I will go through it, but please give me strength. Guide me - I can't take it much longer. Forgive me for being so weak. I want to be strong. I want to show my faith. It just hurts. I don't know what else I can do for myself.
I feel discouraged. I want to give up. I don't want to care anymore

The brick wall...

Bishop Campbell sent me a text today that said something about "make it a great day!"

I felt like I had to tell him it was a great day. I had to tell him only the good things. I wanted to share more... I wanted to tell him how I felt better today emotionally than I have felt in ages, and that was awesome! I also felt like I had to hide the fact that I was laying on the floor cause I felt so yucky.

I felt lonely telling him it was a great day. Its like I feel when I tell other people about only the good things, or when I smile but don't really mean it.

I feel like there is a brick wall around me. There are places that I have removed some of the bricks: where my husband stands, where Bishop Johnson stands, and a few friends. When I smile and tell people only the good things - I am putting a brick on the wall.

When I share honestly and openly, I take a brick down. When I am completely honest - about the good and the bad - I feel less lonely. Even if they don't get it, even if they are idiots and don't know what to do with what I am telling them... I feel less lonely.

More Quotes

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.”
--Gordon B.Hinckley

“It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life."
--Boyd K. Packer

“A sacred light comes to our eyes and countenances when we have a personal bond with our loving Heavenly Father and His Son."
--James E. Faust

"When we follow the Lord’s law of health for our bodies, we are also promised wisdom to our spirits and knowledge to our minds."

“Striving for happiness is a long, hard journey with many challenges. It requires eternal vigilance to win the victory. You cannot succeed with sporadic little flashes of effort. Constant and valiant living is necessary."
--Jack H. Goaslind

“Our task is to become our best selves. One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final."
--Thomas S. Monson

“You remember the Duke of Wellington was talking of the Battle of Waterloo when he said that it was not that the British soldiers were braver than the French soldiers. It was just that they were brave five minutes longer. And in our struggles sometimes that’s all it takes—to be brave five minutes longer, to try just a little harder, to not give up on ourselves when everything seems to beg for our defeat."
--Paul H. Dunn

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around!"
--Neal A. Maxwell

“There is only one day that you and I have to live and that’s today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrows. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day, is to pray that whatever comes to our hands, we will do it to the best of our ability."
--Harold B. Lee

“Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept your effort.”
--Gordon B.Hinckley

“In the private sanctuary of one’s own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential."
--Thomas S. Monson

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God."
--Orson F. Whitney

“For the faithful, our finest hours are sometimes during or just following our darkest hours."
--Neal A. Maxwell

“Things we cannot solve, we must survive."
--Boyd K. Packer

“In times of hurt and discouragement, it may be consoling for all of us to recall that no one can do anything permanently to us that will last for eternity. Only we ourselves can affect our eternal progression."
--Marvin J. Ashton

“With celestial sights, trials impossible to change become possible to endure."
--Russell M. Nelson

“As children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him. What a great blessing to be created in his image and know of our true potential in and through him! What a great blessing to know that in his strength we can do all things!"
--Marvin J. Ashton

“In life, you should seek the help you need. Do not depend on your own strength alone. You have never done all you can to finish a task until you have sought help from the Lord."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

“Quit thinking that tomorrow your problems will go away and life will begin in earnest. The Lord is waiting to help you cope today if you will lay your human-size needs at his divine feet."
--Paul H. Dunn

“Do not doubt your abilities. Do not delay your worthy impressions. With God’s help, you cannot fail. He will give you the courage to participate in meaningful change and purposeful living."
--Marvin J. Ashton

“The lord will never forsake or abandon anyone. You may abandon him, but he will not abandon you. You never need to feel that you are alone."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

“When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give. We can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. Let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not over-program us; he will not press upon us more than we can bear."
--Neal A. Maxwell

“There are depths in the sea which the storms that lash the surface into fury never reach. They who reach down into the depths of life where, in the stillness, the voice of God is heard, have the stabilizing power which carries them poised and serene through the hurricane of difficulties."
--Spencer W. Kimball

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

My patriarchal blessing

There is one paragraph in my blessing that has meant a lot to me. It is the only paragraph that I really feel is talking to me. The rest has felt like it was for someone else... Or just for any random person that gets a blessing. This one paragraph came at the end... almost as an afterthought when he was giving it:

Before you came to this earth you knew that you would experience sorrow, distress, pain and suffering. Yet, you understood the reasons for coming here and you had a great desire to come here. And, yes you will feel these periods and times of opposition where you will experience sorrow and sadness. I promise the Holy Spirit will lift and help you in those times of need and you will overcome them. Also your spirit will be refined through some of these experiences. I bless you that you will experience great joy and happiness. Also you will truly savor and appreciate your joy and happiness since you will have tasted their opposites.

Tonight, as the pain is so close, so great, and it feels like I may not survive feeling it, I remember this paragraph. I will overcome. I will experience great joy and happiness, and I will savor it. I can't see it - I can't see past the pain of tonight, but it is still waiting for me. It is right there. I am so close. I feel it, and yet it frightens me.

It hurts. I don't want to go through this... and I don't even know what "this" is. I want to go home. I want to run away. I want a magic pill that will take it all away. I want a blessing that will offer immediate healing. I want someone to come and rescue me - save me from the pain that I feel.

I won't run. I won't hide. I will stand and face it. I am not alone. I can't see them or even feel them right now, but they are there: my grandparents, other friends that I don't even remember that I know, my future children - they are all there waiting for me to make the choice and to overcome.

I am so afraid. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know, but I want to be faithful. I want to be strong. I want to be the woman I was made to be.

Life After??

I know I have been working for a life after this. I know I have been fighting for it, praying for it, giving everything I have for it. I have known deep inside that there has to be something more to life than what I have experienced, and yet at the same time, I have wondered.

I still can't see past the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the depression, the tears, etc.

So, as I face the things that have happened to me, one of the biggest fears is of the unknown. What comes after this? How will it feel? What will it be like? Will it be everything I have imagined? Will it hurt? Will I be happy? Will others like the new me that emerges? Will I like the new me? Who will I be?

I feel sad. I feel confused. I want all that life can offer, and yet I don't want to have to face it.

If I am not hurting, what will I feel? If I am not fighting off constant sadness, depression, and anxiety, what will I do? If I don't feel guilty all of the time, how will I know what I am supposed to do?

Then, I remember... I am a daughter of God - destined to do great things. I don't know what it will be like - I can't even imagine. No one can. We are mortals destined to do divine and great things, and we can't understand our divine destiny.... yet. I am no different than anyone else living on this planet.

A quote from church that meant a lot to me

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way.

While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

Come What May and Love it

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

When I was young I loved playing sports, and I have many fond memories of those days. But not all of them are pleasant. I remember one day after my football team lost a tough game, I came home feeling discouraged. My mother was there. She listened to my sad story. She taught her children to trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes, and give their best effort in everything they attempted.

When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again. So the advice my mother gave to me then wasn’t altogether unexpected. It has stayed with me all my life.

“Joseph,” she said, “come what may, and love it.”

I have often reflected on that counsel.

I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.

There may be some who think that General Authorities rarely experience pain, suffering, or distress. If only that were true. While every man and woman on this stand today has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of disappointment, sorrow, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness.

For me, the Lord has opened the windows of heaven and showered blessings upon my family beyond my ability to express. Yet like everyone else, I have had times in my life when it seemed that the heaviness of my heart might be greater than I could bear. During those times I think back to those tender days of my youth when great sorrows came at the losing end of a football game.

How little I knew then of what awaited me in later years. But whenever my steps led through seasons of sadness and sorrow, my mother’s words often came back to me: “Come what may, and love it.”

How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial. I would like to share them with you.

Learn to Laugh

The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?

There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh.

I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder.

Getting lost was not an unusual occurrence for us. Once while heading south to Cedar City, Utah, we took a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until two hours later when we saw the “Welcome to Nevada” signs. We didn’t get angry. We laughed, and as a result, anger and resentment rarely resulted. Our laughter created cherished memories for us.

I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife.

We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Seek for the Eternal

The second thing we can do is seek for the eternal. You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, “Why me?”

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.

I love the scriptures because they show examples of great and noble men and women such as Abraham, Sarah, Enoch, Moses, Joseph, Emma, and Brigham. Each of them experienced adversity and sorrow that tried, fortified, and refined their characters.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

I have experienced the increase of compassion as I have face the hard things I have been through. I would not be who I am today - and I would never be who I truly want to be if I didn't go through all that I am going through now.

Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The Principle of Compensation

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

Well, then I better get crying! :)

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father.

Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails. I have seen this in my own life. My grandson Joseph has autism. It has been heartbreaking for his mother and father to come to grips with the implications of this affliction.

They knew that Joseph would probably never be like other children. They understood what that would mean not only for Joseph but for the family as well. But what a joy he has been to us. Autistic children often have a difficult time showing emotion, but every time I’m with him, Joseph gives me a big hug. While there have been challenges, he has filled our lives with joy.

His parents have encouraged him to participate in sports. When he first started playing baseball, he was in the outfield. But I don’t think he grasped the need to run after loose balls. He thought of a much more efficient way to play the game. When a ball was hit in his direction, Joseph watched it go by and then pulled another baseball out of his pocket and threw that one to the pitcher.

Any reservations that his family may have had in raising Joseph, any sacrifices they have made have been compensated tenfold. Because of this choice spirit, his mother and father have learned much about children with disabilities. They have witnessed firsthand the generosity and compassion of family, neighbors, and friends. They have rejoiced together as Joseph has progressed. They have marveled at his goodness.

Trust in the Father and the Son

The fourth thing we can do is put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.”² The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in.

He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.

One of our daughters, after giving birth to a baby, became seriously ill. We prayed for her, administered to her, and supported her as best we could. We hoped she would receive a blessing of healing, but days turned into months, and months turned into years. At one point I told her that this affliction might be something she would have to struggle with the rest of her life.

One morning I remember pulling out a small card and threading it through my typewriter. Among the words that I typed for her were these: “The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”

She did put her trust in God. But her affliction did not disappear. For years she suffered, but in due course, the Lord blessed her, and eventually she returned to health.

Knowing this daughter, I believe that even if she had never found relief, yet she would have trusted in her Heavenly Father and “[left] the rest to Him.”

Conclusion

Although my mother has long since passed to her eternal reward, her words are always with me. I still remember her advice to me given on that day long ago when my team lost a football game: “Come what may, and love it.”

I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.

As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say, as did my mother, “Come what may, and love it.” Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

You'll feel this way again

I called my husband. He was still at work, and couldn't really talk. I got off the phone with him and just sat down and started to pray. All of a sudden, there was a feeling inside.

HOPE!

The pain didn't go away, but instead it was similar to the feeling that comes in January-February. It is still bitter cold outside, it is still snowing, and you can't see any signs of spring. Yet, I can feel it in the air, and I just know its coming.

That is how I felt. It hurts, and I am not ready to be at home yet, but I will be very soon. It is coming! The rest of the night, that hope got me through. I had a great time playing rock band with friends. I had an awesome time driving with my husband, and the play was a ton of fun. I laughed. It still hurt horribly, but I really didn't care. I knew that the day was coming when it wouldn't hurt.

I felt like ME again. I was just happy. I joked. I held his hand, and we laughed and talked about goals, the future, business, everything that came to our heads.

We got home, and he was tired. He said he wanted to go to bed and started getting ready for bed. I started to feel really panicked. I knew I wasn't ready to try and sleep there. At the same time, I didn't want to go to bed. I didn't want to try to sleep. I didn't want that feeling to end.

He read my mind, hugged me, and said, "You'll feel this way again."

Its true - I will feel that way again. I will better than that. The time is coming when it won't hurt at all. The time is coming when I will be able to relax, sleep, hang out, laugh, cuddle, all of it, and it won't hurt!

In the meantime, I will cling to the hope. Although the great feeling from yesterday is fading, I cling to the promise there will be a spring at the end of winter.

Wonderful Things People Say

Since I had the stupid list, I figure its only fair to put the wonderful list too:

• I don't understand what you are going through, but I am sure trying, help me to understand.
• I love you.
• I trust you. You know the way out of this hell.
• I know what I am asking of you, but please take care of yourself.
• I am not sure I can handle facing what you have been through - its too hard and I am afraid I will be too angry, or I will lose my testimony, or... (Although you would think this would be on the stupid list, it shows me that you know what I am going through. It shows me you are capable of understanding, you are humble, and one day the Lord can strengthen you to face it just like He has strengthened me.)
• It wasn't your fault. NONE of it was your fault.
• Crying when I told them my story. It helped me see that it was ok for me to be sad and upset about the things that have happened.
• I won't force you to do anything, but I want you to...
• I am just thinking of you...
• Its ok to cry. Its ok to be angry. Its ok to feel all of this.
• You are amazing, courageous, strong, brave, and you'll get through this.
• I am praying for you.
• You'll feel this way again. (I was feeling really happy - I was afraid if I went to bed, the feeling would change. I didn't want to let it go.)
• Its ok if you just want to stay in bed. I would want to stay in bed too.
• You are not crazy - you are sorting things out.
• Look at all of the progress you have made. (I really like it when they shared the progress they had seen.)
• What can I do to help you get through this?
• They held me.
• You are beautiful - you are not disgusting, gross, weird, crazy, selfish, etc.
• Thank you. You helped me.
• If you don't feel like it, you don't have to do it.
• I know you are trying and fighting hard. I can't imagine what you are going through.
• This sucks. Its not fair.
  
• You deserve joy in your life, and you will have it.
• I am so glad you are alive today. You touch my life.
  

And so to each of you who have said wonderful things - and the truth is there are many, MANY more:

THANK YOU!!

Stupid Things People Say

My friend, Katie, and I have talked about writing this list down for a long time, but I never have. I am afraid I have forgotten some of the best ones... If you don't understand why something is on the list, then we need to talk. Comment, or email me, or call me. Please!

• How could it be rape, you were married?
• If you just had more faith, you wouldn't be going through all of these hard things.
• Fast and pray, and you will be cured. (From an eating disorder?? Are you kidding me??)
• You don't look too sick. Are you sure you have an eating disorder?
• Feeling depressed? You just need to give more service. Give more to others, and you will feel better.
• Just eat.
• Are you sure you want to eat THAT? It has a lot of... (fill in the blanks: fat, calories, sugars, whatever.)
• You are such a good person - taking the stairs.
• (and closely related) Why are YOU on the elevator? You look healthy enough.
• One flight! You took the elevator for one flight!?! (yes. I was dizzy. I didn't feel like taking the stairs. Get over it!)
  
• You sure spend a lot of money on food. Really, your food budget should be next to nothing.
• To Amanda: If you just lose weight, then you will feel better about yourself, and then no more eating disorder! (From a dr!!)
• To Katie: Just take out your earrings, and you will be cured!
• If you're in pain, just take pain killers.
• You just need to pray and read the scriptures.
• If you were more righteous, you wouldn't be struggling with all of this... (Right, have YOU read the scriptures EVER?)
• If you just.... (Fill in the blank with anything. Anyone who says you need to just do ANY one thing doesn't have a clue, turn and run!)
• You have no physical scarring - this is all emotional. If you wanted to get over it, you would have done it by now.
• Its not that hard...
• You just need to forgive them.
• You think food will make you feel better? (I was dizzy... YES!)

It's not my fault

I want to say it. I think it would be a good idea. It might be helpful, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It FEELS like it is my fault.

Maybe... someday... I will be able to say the abuse, the things that have happened to me... they weren't my fault.

Grateful... and sad...

BJ shared some of the things he has been working on over the past week. He shared with me how I have helped bring him perspective on his marriage and his family.

He seemed so much more peaceful - and his eyes seemed more clear. I know his journey is not over, and he has work to do to bring him the peace and happiness he really wants, but he is getting there.

The feeling in my heart was that my journey with him is changing again. I felt so sad and so grateful at the same time.

I am grateful that I could help, that my journey blessed someone else's life, and I am especially grateful he shared with me that I have helped. I am sad, because I want to feel peace and to feel clarity. I want to know and to feel what I see others feel, and although I have made so much progress, it is not anywhere near what I want.

When will I be able to feel that? When will I know what he seemed to know? When will it be less of a battle? And if I am done here, and its time to move on, what will I do? Will I ever find peace and happiness, or will it always be about everyone else? I am sorry I am so selfish, I don't want to be. I wish it was enough that I could help others...

And at the same time, I am so grateful, because I pray all of the time to know how to help others, how to bless others' lives, and to be an instrument in His hands. I am grateful that He is using my struggles to bless the lives of the people I care about most.

How is it possible to feel so grateful and to feel so sad at the same moment???

Things I love about my husband

He is trying very hard to support me. He has allowed me to go stay at the Johnson's home, go to therapy, and do whatever I feel is best for myself.
He goes to work everyday. I know its hard, and he doesn't like it, but he goes.
He doesn't push me to do things I am not ready for: going to church, sex, work, etc.
He doesn't try to control what I do, or who I spend time with. He likes me to have my friends, my hobbies, and doesn't get jealous of the things I love away from him.
He makes me laugh!
He tells me he loves me many times everyday.
He doesn't complain that he currently has a sex-less marriage.
He wants to do the right thing. He has so much good in him.
He is a huge help around the house. He does dishes, laundry, cleans, and never thinks of the house as "my" responsibility. It is ours.
He prays and reads the scriptures with me everyday.
He cares about my friends. He cares about my family.
He tells me I am beautiful and amazing all the time.
He is a good friend to others. He serves people around him.
He is a good teacher.
He wants to be a dad. He wants to raise a family. He wants his future family to be better than his past family.
He has big dreams.

A letter to my husband

This morning, my heart hurts as I think about us. My heart hurts as I think about you. I feel confused. I don't know what to do. I don't like being with you. I don't like the way it feels, only I want to be with you more than anything.
I want to laugh with you. I want to talk about things with you. I want to share my heart with you. I want to hold you, and I want to be held. Yet, I am beginning to think its not ever going to happen.

But then, I keep hoping. This morning when I woke up, there was a song going through my head:

Keep holdin' on-'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say - Nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on - 'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

That gave me hope to think maybe we could make it through. I want it!!!

Paul talks about how we are controlled by the thing we want the most. I believe that to be true. I keep trying different approaches. I keep pushing hard, because I want you in my life more than almost anything else. And I want healing more than anything else.

Sometimes, it feels like the two things are contradictory. I can't choose which I want more. You tell me over and over that you want healing for me, but you don't always act that way. I can't decide how much is ok to accept from you. You tell me that you don't intend to hurt me, and I believe that, but it doesn't change the fact that you do things that really hurt.

Dr. B. told me that there was no way to heal from past abuse if you are continuing to be abused. I don't know if I would call the way you talk to me "abuse", but I do know it hurts like hell. And when I try to talk to you about it, you tell me its all in my head, its all my fault, etc. THAT is not helpful at all. It leaves me feeling confused and broken inside.

I can't heal as long as you still blame me for feeling hurt. I don't know how to free myself from pain when I have to face the things you say to me everyday. I have to ignore the pain I feel from you, which just makes the old wounds fester and grow. And I go slowly crazy.

Lord knows I want to do the right thing. I want to do the best thing for me, for you, for us. I want a family. I want to see you as a dad. I want you to have a family. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I just don't know its possible for both of us to be happy in this relationship, which means it would be impossible for either of us to be happy.

I love you. I am praying for us both.

I never knew

This is one of my first ever attempts at poetry. It has been hard for me to find creativity - I think it has been because of my inability to connect with my own emotions. As I am healing and progressing, I feel more creative. I want to be more creative.

I never knew how strong I was, until I could stand no longer.
I never knew compassion, until I knew suffering.
I never knew how cold it was, until I felt the warmth.
I never knew how deep it hurt, until it began to heal.
I never knew how alone I was, until I was with you.
I never knew.

Today, I know what love feels like.
Today, I know what hope feels like.
Today, I know how to be courageous.
Today, I know.

One day I will know joy
One day, I will know peace.
One day, I will forgive.
One day, I will be the woman I long to be.

One day, I will!

Things I am grateful for today

• Horseback riding - I found something I love to do that I can do with Mellen, or by myself, or with friends.
• I've made so much progress... I am not even near the same person that I was a year ago.
• Bishop Campbell is trying to help and support me.
• Ginger was very kind to me last night. That was a nice change.
• Dann is very understanding even when he doesn't understand.
• Dann is trying so hard to make my life happier.
• I was able to talk to him when I was having a hard time yesterday.
• BJ is always very kind to me.
• Working at JB I feel like I am being productive, even though I am not doing anything hard.
• I slept for eight hours last night!

A letter to the new Bishop

I am so frustrated today. I know I need to have patience, and I am trying... I should be incredibly grateful that you are willing to try as much as you are. I know that dealing with me and my crap isn't easy, and many people would run from the thought.

There are very few people who know what you know about me. It hurts that you know so much, and yet know so little at the same time. Maybe I gave you too much all at once. Actually, I know I did. I wanted so bad to have someone that could understand my world that I threw you into it by letting you read my blog.

That's like giving a baby steak as their first whole food. You handled it much better than you should have.

It hurts a lot sharing those things with you, and knowing you are reading them, and you really, REALLY don't understand. You could. I know you are capable. Its going to take a lot of work for both of us.

I am not writing what I am really feeling - I am censoring it... a lot! I am giving you the kind, non-offensive, understanding of your point of view crap that I always do. It is a talent and a skill that has come in handy in my life, but sometimes, it just sucks!

Sometimes, I just want to feel angry. Sometimes, I don't want to think about why you are doing what you are doing. Sometimes, I just want to think about me and no one else.

List of (not so) gratitudes

So, I realized today that I haven't been keeping my daily list of blessings, or things I am grateful for. I used to do that every night. It helped me to see how much the Lord loved me, and I was able to see answers to prayers that I wouldn't have seen otherwise.

Blessings:
Horseback riding - I felt free for a few moments. I didn't have to worry about anything except the horse.
Amanda's calls and texts to let me know she is thinking of me.
Katie being here has been a lot of fun. She makes me laugh.

Actually, so as I am trying to write this list of blessings, all I feel is sadness. Amanda is worried sick, so she is calling me. I feel guilty for making her worry. She can hear the stress in my voice, so its my fault she is worried... Horseback riding was fun, but after riding and feeling so free, my body quit on me. I didn't feel good the rest of the day. Even though I several snacks, a good dinner, etc, I just felt sick and dizzy all night. It took everything I had to not pass out in the store last night. I also feel like at any moment horseback riding will be taken away from me. I am scared to love it or look forward to it too much... Katie being here has been fun, but there is so much sadness and pain being with her too. She is so stuck in her eating disorder, its hard to talk to her. Dann's love and support just makes me feel horribly guilty, because I don't deserve it. I am still angry at him - I don't deserve for him to love me and be kind to me when I feel so angry. Lauren is a good friend, and I am so grateful for her, but she's also telling everyone that I am not doing well. I am grateful for Rebecca's friendship - she helped me through a lot, but I don't want her friendship right now. It hurts too much, and I feel pressured to take care of her.

I am sorry that I didn't write the list of gratitudes like I wanted to... Its hard to feel grateful when it hurts so much at the same time... When I feel so guilty for it all too...

A reminder

Paul said something yesterday that really touched me. I told him that I have been feeling suicidal, but its been different than I used to feel.

It used to be that I longed for relief. I longed to get away from the pain and the heartache, and death seemed like the only answer. Then I would think about Mellen, or Dann, or even Bishop Johnons. I knew it would hurt them if I died - especially from suicide. I know that devestates people.

Lately, its been that I should do the world a favor, and die. I just make life difficult for everyone. No one wants me around. I am just a burden. If I die, they might be sad for a little while, but then they will be able to get over it much quicker than if I stick around.

Paul pointed out that those thoughts were placed there by an evil spirit. That evil does not want me to survive, because the truth is, The world needs to hear what I have to say. I need to do the world a favor and survive this crap, and then share with others how to overcome.

That meant a lot to me. I was reminded of the day 12 years ago in the ER. I just knew I was meant for great things, and I couldn't let ED run my life anymore. I knew the Lord had a grand plan for me in this life. So, I got over all of the ED behaviors.

And I believe that everything that has happened in the past two years has been part of His plan too. I look forward to overcoming, so I can share my story... Maybe write a book like Paul suggests.

Do you know what its like...

... to know exactly what you need to do to feel better, and yet you just can't do it?

I know if I just eat, I will feel better. At this moment, I feel weak, shaky, dizzy, nauseous. I know that if I just drink some of this drink sitting next to me, I will feel better. It will come almost immediately... But I don't want to feel better. I don't deserve to feel better. I just want to give up.

The thought of Moses and the people looking up to the serpent came to mind. So many of them didn't look. We don't know why they didn't look. Maybe they didn't feel like they deserved it. Maybe they wanted someone to do it for them. Maybe they didn't really believe it would work, and didn't want to make the effort if it wasn't going to work. Maybe they were so tired, they didn't really want to get better.

I know it probably doesn't matter why they didn't look. They died because they wouldn't do it. I guess Satan won. I want to be better than that, stronger than that, and I don't want him to win.

Please, just don't make me do this. Let me give up. Let my body collapse to the ground. Let me rest, and don't make me fight anymore.

I know that so many people would think that this is simple... not hard... like looking to a serpent on a staff. I want to agree with them. I know it should be so simple, and yet it is so difficult.

Please, if I have to keep going, give me strength. I don't have any strength of my own left.

Effects of abuse

This is some of the crap that I wasn't sure if I should share. However, since I have met so many people who suffer many of these same effects, I thought it might help them to know they are not alone. Also, maybe it will help those who have never been through sexual abuse understand how it can affect the lives of its victims. It has invaded every area of my entire life.

• I feel like I can't get clean - I feel dirty all the time.
• I can't sleep without a blanket, but I can't have it covering me completely. I have to stick my feet out, so I don't feel trapped. I can't handle another person under the blanket with me.
• I have night terrors and nightmares almost every night.
• I am hyper alert. Especially with men - I am aware of where they are, and what they are doing even if I can't see them.
• I hate closing my eyes when I am around other people. I feel panicked when I do.
• I can't sleep next to my husband. I feel panicked and afraid.
• I hate to be hugged - I feel trapped.
• It is painful to be touched. It feels like electric shocks running through my whole body.
• All touch is a sexual experience. My body reacts as if I am having sex even if someone just shakes my hand.
• I hate people to touch my bare arms!! or my neck! But at the same time, I want to be touched there. I just feel panicked and guilty when they do.
• I am afraid of the dark.
• I have chronically low blood pressure, and I am dizzy all the time.
• I have headaches, sore muscles, and migraines all the time.
• I clench my jaw in my sleep, so that is constantly sore.
• It hurts "down there" all the time. It is a constant pain that sometimes grows so intense and spreads through my whole body - I would rather die than endure it a second longer.
• I feel like others will think I am dirty if I spread my legs even the slightest bit. I sit with my legs crossed all the time. When I'm with any man, I instinctively clench my legs together tightly. I can never clench them tight enough though.
• I still can't lay flat without sending me into a panic attack.
• I never had an orgasm. At least - not that I know of.
• I have never enjoyed sex, yet I think about it most of the time.
• I feel like I don't deserve anything: money, food, love, help, comfort, peace, nothing good.
• Sometimes when my husband is nice to me - it is harder to accept than if he was beating or raping me. I feel like I don't deserve him to treat me nicely.
• I have been unaware of any physical needs. I didn't feel hungry, I didn't feel pain. Even when I was really sick, I didn't know it, because I had to ignore all physical sensations just to get through the day.
• I am really good at reading other people. I can tell when they are hiding things or holding back from me. I usually think they hate me, think I am disgusting, or they want to hurt me if they hide things from me.
• I hate the penis! I think it is the most disgusting thing on the planet.
• I have fantasies of being raped. The closest I have come to enjoying sex is when my husband takes total control and I feel like I am being raped. At the same time, that freaks me out, and makes me hate him... poor guy can't win!
• I shut down when other people get the slightest bit upset. Even if they don't say or do anything - if I think they might be upset, I withdraw into my own head. I can't even think.
• I hate going home!
• I like to push my body to extremes. I like to see how long I can go without food, water, sleep, and I like to see how long I can handle extreme cold, over-exercising, or taking too many meds.
• I hate wearing skirts - I feel too vulnerable in them.
• I feel like I can't say no to anyone for any reason.
• I feel guilty for EVERYTHING!!! I blame myself for every problem that everyone experiences.
• I struggle to trust other people.
• I hate being around other women.
• I have lesbian fantasies, and I feel drawn to porn.
• I feel angry, anxious and depressed more often than I feel any other emotions.
• I don't know what it feels like to be relaxed and calm.
• I am very good at hiding my emotions, I can smile and laugh while in intense pain. Most people never know that I am hurting, angry or anxious. I am grateful for that, and I hate it at the same time.
• I am aware of other people's pain.
• I am more compassionate and empathetic.
• I have a very close relationship to my Father in Heaven that many people can't begin to understand.
• I can feel angels and demons around me. I feel things that other people don't feel.
• I am afraid to cry. I am afraid to feel angry. I am afraid to feel any feelings. I am even more afraid to express feelings, but not expressing them is also hell.
• I hate church. Many of the teachings sound just like things I heard from Larry and Johnny to justify what they were doing.
• I feel like I have to fight so hard to do the simplest, smallest tasks. I wonder if it is just as hard for other people, or if its just me.
• I hear the word, "Relax" and I want to scream.
• I get anxious having a blanket over me. I won't sit under the same blanket with anyone else.
• I have to be able to see other people's hands, or I feel very anxious.
• I am always assessing the risk of every situation I find myself in and I plan out in my head within the first few minutes how I would get out of the situation if need be.
• I find myself crying and panicking with no known reason.
• There is a constant ache in my chest. It feels like if I could just cry hard enough or scream loud enough - it would stop hurting me.
• I have flashbacks of horrible things whenever I close my eyes.
• I can't stand watching sex, kissing, affection on TV, but yet I am drawn to it at the same time. I want to see and read about other people's abuse. It makes what I went through seem more normal, and I can dismiss it.
• I hate violence on tv and movies, and feel panicked watching it.
• I hate sitting still - I feel like something is going to get me if I am just sitting there.
• I hate sitting still - I feel like I don't deserve it.
• I feel like I should hide myself from the world - no one should see me or know me - they would be disgusted.
• I constantly feel like I have to repent, but I don't know what I have to repent for.
• I have always believed life was pain and suffering. I can't imagine anything else.
• I think about death and suicide constantly.
• I have cut, bruised, and hurt myself many times, and I feel the urge to do so almost all the time.
• The smell of saliva makes me nauseous.
• I can't sleep unless I have my bra on, and I prefer extra-padded bras... partially because of the looks, but more I feel protected.
• I don't look at people in public... as though if I can't see them they can't see me.
• I HATE people walking behind me. I feel uncomfortable and anxious. I fear I am walking wrong, and they will criticize me, but more I just hate not being able to see them.
• I have a hard time concentrating.
• I don't like talking to people on the phone, because I can't see their face to know what they are thinking. I feel the same about email, chat, text, etc.
• Have to be in the "know" about things, cannot stand secrets being kept from me. I HATE surprises.
• I can't stand it when my mom talks in a serious tone with me. I also hate it when she cries, not because it makes me sad, but it makes me intensely uncomfortable.
• When women cry or are upset - I shut down. I have no emotions, and sometimes feel no empathy. I feel like I should make them feel better. I usually also feel angry at them.
• When men get angry - I shut down. I try to do everything I can to disappear, so they won't get angry at me.
• I have always believed I would die young. Even if I wasn't suicidal... I just have always thought I wouldn't live until next year. (Whenever "next year" is.)

Quotes that have helped me

Some days it may feel like you are David fighting Goliath, just remember, David won.

It takes the same amount of energy to live a good life as it does a bad one. Choose wisely.

'No one can hide the star that you are.' - Brad Hardisty

FAITH is the only known antidote for FAILURE!' -Napoleon Hill

“The difference between successful people and failures is that successful people make a habit of doing the things that failures don’t like to do.” Albert Grey

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do—not that the nature of the thing has changed, but that our power to do has increased."

“What I need most isn’t for someone to make me feel better, I need people who are willing to stand with me to face the raw truth.”

"A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -Martin Luthar King, jr.

“Come to the edge.”“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge." “We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.” And they came.
And he pushed them. And they flew."
~Guillaume Apollinaire

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

a glimpse

I went out to dinner with my husband tonight. At first, I wasn't sure I was up to it. There was so much going through my mind and my body. My body hurts most of the time. I know its a flashback sort of thing... my body thinks its being raped even when I am just sitting there. That makes it so hard to WANT to do anything. I am so glad I went.

It went great. We had a good time - just talked, laughed, ate. The best part:

Before dinner, I remember asking my sweetheart - will there ever be a time it doesn't hurt? His reply, you know there will be. Then, I don't know when it happened... but I do know when it started to hurt again. It just didn't hurt. I was laughing, enjoying my dinner, enjoying being with him, and it didn't hurt! It went like 20 minutes... maybe more... which means it will be longer next time.

It gave me so much hope! I am so grateful!

Thank you dear Father, for showing me what it can feel like. Thank you for giving me that glimpse at a moment when I wasn't sure it was worth it to keep trying. Thank you for showing me my progress. Thank you!

Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse - What stuck out to me today

Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse
Elder Richard G. Scott
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I speak from the depths of my heart to each one of you who have been scarred by the ugly sin of abuse, whether you are a member or nonmember of the Church. I would prefer a private setting to discuss this sensitive subject and ask that the Holy Spirit help us both that you may receive the relief of the Lord from the cruelty that has scarred your life.

(I just had a prophet of the Lord ask for me to receive the relief of the Lord.)

Unless healed by the Lord, mental, physical, or sexual abuse can cause you serious, enduring consequences. As a victim you have experienced some of them. They include fear, depression, guilt, self-hatred, destruction of self-esteem, and alienation from normal human relationships. When aggravated by continued abuse, powerful emotions of rebellion, anger, and hatred are generated. These feelings often are focused against oneself, others, life itself, and even Heavenly Father. Frustrated efforts to fight back can degenerate into drug abuse, immorality, abandonment of home, and, tragically in extreme cases, suicide. Unless corrected, these feelings lead to despondent lives, discordant marriages, and even the transition from victim to abuser. One awful result is a deepening lack of trust in others which becomes a barrier to healing.

(But I am overcoming this. I struggle a lot, but so much less than I used to. Thank you Lord for your help in overcoming this!)

To be helped, you must understand some things about eternal law. Your abuse results from another's unrighteous attack on your freedom. Since all of Father in Heaven's children enjoy agency, there can be some who choose willfully to violate the commandments and harm you. Such acts temporarily restrict your freedom. In justice, and to compensate, the Lord has provided a way for you to overcome the destructive results of others' acts against your will. That relief comes by applying eternal truths with priesthood assistance.

Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive. No one can take away your ultimate opportunities when you understand and live eternal law. The laws of your Heavenly Father and the atonement of the Lord have made it possible that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the children of God.

You may feel threatened by one who is in a position of power or control over you. You may feel trapped and see no escape. Please believe that your Heavenly Father does not want you to be held captive by unrighteous influence, by threats of reprisal, or by fear of repercussion to the family member who abuses you. Trust that the Lord will lead you to a solution. Ask in faith, nothing doubting. (See James 1:6; Enos 1:15; Moro. 7:26; D&C 8:10; D&C 18:18.)

I solemnly testify that when another's acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. In the eternal plan, in the Lord's timetable, those injuries can be made right as you do your part. Here is what you can do now.

Seek Help
If you are now or have in the past been abused, seek help now. Perhaps you distrust others and feel that there is no reliable help anywhere. Begin with your Eternal Father and his beloved Son, your Savior. Strive to comprehend their commandments and follow them. They will lead you to others who will strengthen and encourage you. There is available to you a priesthood leader, normally a bishop, at times a member of the stake presidency. They can build a bridge to greater understanding and healing. Joseph Smith taught: "A man can do nothing for himself unless God direct him in the right way; and the Priesthood is for that purpose." (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 364.)

Talk to your bishop in confidence. His calling allows him to act as an instrument of the Lord in your behalf. He can provide a doctrinal foundation to guide you to recovery. An understanding and application of eternal law will provide the healing you require. He has the right to be inspired of the Lord in your behalf. He can use the priesthood to bless you.

Your bishop can help you identify trustworthy friends to support you. (Oh Please, help me find friends to support me. I feel very alone. I have tried to build up a support system on my own, and I have failed. I am left with Bishop Johnson, Dann, and now Bishop Campbell. I have my CFC sisters, and they are amazing, but they carry the same burdens that I do. They have been through the same hell. Are there people out there who can love me who haven't been through this hell? Are there people who won't judge me, but can support me through? I feel alone. I know the Lord is with me, and I am AMAZINGLY blessed to have the support I do. Many of my friends don't have one person they can talk to, and I have three!)

He will help you regain self-confidence and self-esteem to begin the process of renewal. When abuse is extreme, he can help you identify appropriate protection and professional treatment consistent with the teachings of the Savior.

Principles of Healing
These are some of the principles of healing you will come to understand more fully:

Recognize that you are a beloved child of your Heavenly Father. He loves you perfectly and can help you as no earthly parent, spouse, or devoted friend can. His Son gave his life so that by faith in him and obedience to his teachings you can be made whole. He is the consummate healer.

Gain trust in the love and compassion of your elder brother, Jesus Christ, by pondering the scriptures. As with the Nephites, he tells you, "I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy. … I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you." (3 Ne. 17:7–8.)

Healing best begins with your sincere prayer asking your Father in Heaven for help. That use of your agency allows divine intervention. When you permit it, the love of the Savior will soften your heart, break the cycle of abuse that can transform a victim into an aggressor. Adversity, even when caused willfully by others' unrestrained appetite, can be a source of growth when viewed from the perspective of eternal principle. (See D&C 122:7.)

The victim must do all in his or her power to stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent because of being disabled by fear or the power or authority of the offender. At some point in time, however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse. Your priesthood leader will help assess your responsibility so that, if needed, it can be addressed. Otherwise the seeds of guilt will remain and sprout into bitter fruit. Yet no matter what degree of responsibility, from absolutely none to increasing consent, the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ can provide a complete cure. (See D&C 138:1–4.) Forgiveness can be obtained for all involved in abuse. (See A of F 1:3.) Then comes a restoration of self-respect, self-worth, and a renewal of life.

As a victim, do not waste effort in revenge or retribution against your aggressor. Focus on your responsibility to do what is in your power to correct. Leave the handling of the offender to civil and Church authorities. Whatever they do, eventually the guilty will face the Perfect Judge. Ultimately the unrepentant abuser will be punished by a just God. The purveyors of filth and harmful substances who knowingly incite others to acts of violence and depravation and those who promote a climate of permissiveness and corruption will be sentenced. Predators who victimize the innocent and justify their own corrupted life by enticing others to adopt their depraved ways will be held accountable. Of such the Master warned:
"But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." (Matt. 18:6.)

Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted.

Forgiveness
During prolonged recovery from massive surgery, a patient anticipates complete healing in patience, trusting in others' care. He does not always understand the importance of the treatment prescribed, but his obedience speeds recovery. So it is with you struggling to heal the scars of abuse. Forgiveness, for example, can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. You don't know what abusers may have suffered as victims when innocent. The way to repentance must be kept open for them. Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily.

You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. (see D&C 64:10.) Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord.

The Master counseled, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." (3 Ne. 12:44; italics
added.)

(Dear Lord, Watch over Larry. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I don't know what happened to him to make him think that what he did to me was ok. I am angry at him today, but I know you know him. You know him better than I can imagine. You know his heart. And you love him. I felt that when I was with him. I felt your love for him. Please be with him today. Help him to feel loved, happy, peaceful. If he doesn't feel that way, guide him to know what to do to feel that peace. Help him to love himself. Be with him as he makes his choices today. I know you can make everything work for our good. Help Larry. Make the things he has done, the things he has felt, everything, work for his good today.)

Bitterness and hatred are harmful. They produce much that is destructive. They postpone the relief and healing you yearn for. Through rationalization and self-pity, they can transform a victim into an abuser. Let God be the judge—you cannot do it as well as he can.

To be counseled to just forget abuse is not helpful. You need to understand the principles which will bring healing. I repeat, most often that comes through an understanding priesthood leader who has inspiration and the power of the priesthood to bless you.

Caution
I caution you not to participate in two improper therapeutic practices that may cause you more harm than good. They are: Excessive probing into every minute detail of your past experiences, particularly when this involves penetrating dialogue in group discussion; and blaming the abuser for every difficulty in your life.

While some discovery is vital to the healing process, the almost morbid probing into details of past acts, long buried and mercifully forgotten, can be shattering. There is no need to pick at healing wounds to open them and cause them to fester. The Lord and his teachings can help you without destroying self-respect.

There is another danger. Detailed leading questions that probe your past may unwittingly trigger thoughts that are more imagination or fantasy than reality. They could lead to condemnation of another for acts that were not committed. While likely few in number, I know of cases where such therapy has caused great injustice to the innocent from unwittingly stimulated accusations that were later proven false. Memory, particularly adult memory of childhood experiences, is fallible. Remember, false accusation is also a sin.

Stated more simply, if someone intentionally poured a bucket of filth on your carpet, would you invite the neighbors to determine each ingredient that contributed to the ugly stain? Of course not. With the help of an expert, you would privately restore its cleanliness.

Likewise, the repair of damage inflicted by abuse should be done privately, confidentially, with a trusted priesthood leader and, where needed, the qualified professional he recommends. There must be sufficient discussion of the general nature of abuse to allow you to be given appropriate counsel and to prevent the aggressor from committing more violence. Then, with the help of the Lord, bury the past.

I humbly testify that what I have told you is true. It is based upon eternal principles I have seen the Lord use to give a fulness of life to those scarred by wicked abuse.

If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. (See Morm. 9:27; Moro. 7:26, 33.) Decide now to talk to your bishop. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse come back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I am progressing

While meeting with Bishop Campbell, at first I felt so sad - I really missed Bishop Johnson. Bishop Johnson knew me so well, he could almost read my thoughts sometimes.

I had prayed about what to talk about with Bishop Campbell before I went. I didn' feel much while I was there... mostly I was just trying to get to know him, and get a feel for him. Near the end of our meeting, he asked me if I was thinking something. I told him I was thinking lots of things.

He asked me to share just one thought.

And it became immediately clear - the only thought in my head was how much I missed Bishop Johnson. I didn't want to share that. I didn't want to make Bishop Campbell feel bad. I didn't want him to think that I didn't trust him as the Bishop. But, since I had prayed, and that was the ONLY thought, I shared it.

He asked me if I had clicked with Bishop Johnson the first time I met with him. The answer was a resounding NO. It had helped me to think back to the way things were, and to see my progress. I have made a lot of progress.

I understand myself so much better. Sometimes I feel like I have known what I know now for a long time, and so why am I not doing better? But then I remember it was just a year and a half ago that I started talking. It has only been a year since I first admitted I was abused as a child, and a little over a year since I realized that what Larry did was rape. And although I have felt angry at Dann for a long time, I also have felt like I deserved the things he said and did. Its only been recently that I have started thinking about how I deserve better.

I used to sit in the Bishop's office for an hour and never say anything, because I felt so guilty taking up his time. Then I would feel so guilty for taking up his time, and not even saying anything, and I would have to punish myself more. I couldn't talk about anything except the eating disorder - everything else was too painful. I would feel so angry, but felt so guilty for feeling angry. He would have to push so hard to get the slightest thing from me.

I would sit there and long to ask for a blessing, but felt so unworthy, I would never ask. The few times he offered, I would say yes, but then fight against it. I no longer hesitate to ask for a blessing. (most of the time)

I am grateful that I was reminded of my progress. I am grateful to see how far I have come. I am grateful that I have come so far. I know it is through His help. I am sooo grateful. I will continue to walk the path that He lays before me. I am grateful for His guidance.

Things I should have said but didn't

There are so many times that I know what I need to say to take care of me, but I stop myself. Today I stopped myself because I didn't completely trust Bishop Campbell. Other times, I find other reasons. It doesn't matter WHY, I should have said these things while I was meeting with him.

• "No, I don't have a car. I plan on walking home. This may be a dumb idea, because I have been very dizzy and shaky all day."
• "I am currently on medication that makes it so I feel almost nothing. I would like to continue feeling nothing, but I also want you to push me to feel something."
• "It hurts when I pray. I wish I could make you understand, but I don't know how. All I know, is that it hurts. A lot."
• "I am angry at some of the things you said in church today. I want to talk to you about it, and I want to understand what you really meant."
• "Don't talk to me about feeling the spirit when I read scriptures... I don't feel it when I read, and I feel a little angry about that."
• "Please, please, please text me, call me, let me know I am not alone. I desperately need your help. I am not as strong as I want you to think I am."
• "If you get to know ME, I have a lot I can teach you."
• "I am so afraid of letting you in. I am afraid you will judge me. I am afraid you won't understand. I am afraid of the work it will take to help you know how to help me. I am afraid of feeling the loss I felt when Bishop Johnson was released."
• "I am going to go sit in the bathroom and cry. I am not sure why I am crying. This frustrates me a lot. I am embarrassed at how sad and emotional I feel. I'm scared you'll want to comfort me, and I can't handle that."

Ways to cope

Focusing
Select a small personal object that you like a great deal. It might be a jeweled pin or a simple flower from your garden. Focus all your attention on this object as you inhale and exhale slowly and deeply for one to two minutes. While you are doing this exercise, try not to let any other thoughts or feelings enter your mind. If they do, just return your attention to the object. At the end of this exercise you will probably feel more peaceful and calmer. Any tension or nervousness that you were feeling upon starting the exercise should be diminished.

Positive Mind/Body Affirmations
• I handle stress and tension appropriately and effectively.
• My mood is calm and relaxed.
• I can cope well and get on with my life during times of stress.
• I think thoughts that uplift and nurture me.
• I enjoy thinking positive thoughts that make me feel good about myself and my life.
• I deserve to feel good right now.
• I feel peaceful and calm.
• My breathing is slow and calm.
• My muscles are relaxed and comfortable.
• I feel grounded and fully present.
• I can effectively handle any situation that comes my way.
• I think through the solutions to my emotional issues slowly and peacefully.
• I am thankful for all the positive things in my life.
I am filled with energy, vitality, and self-confidence.
• I am pleased with how I handle my emotional needs.
• I know exactly how to manage my daily schedule to promote my emotional and physical well-being.
• I listen to my body's needs and regulate my activity level to take care of those needs.
• I love and honor my body.
• I fill my mind with positive and self-nourishing thoughts.
• I am a wonderful and worthy person.
• I deserve health, vitality, and peace of mind.
• I have total confidence in my ability to heal myself.
• I feel radiant with abundant energy and vitality.
• The world around me is full of radiant beauty and abundance.
• I am attracted only to those people and situations that support and nurture me.
• I appreciate the positive people and situations that are currently in my life.
• I love and honor myself.
• I enjoy my positive thoughts and feelings.

Gratitude Journal
Write down at least three things everyday that you are grateful. Draw pictures, put in photographs, things that made you laugh, smile, or blessings you noticed in your life. Keep this journal positive, so when you are feeling this way, you can go back and find comfort.

Smash it!
i suggest getting a cheap plate at a thrift store and decorating? markers stickers cut outs from magazines, words images, what ever that expresses your pain and sadness. take your time. try to really let it out. and when you're done, SMASH IT it feels really good


Create a sacred space. often we don’t have the money or the time to make our room a sacred space, so it can be a sacred box. I keep little things people have given me that make me happy, some greeting cards,photographs, sea shells, etc. I also keep in it letters from people I love. I asked them to write letters telling me they love me, I can heal, blah blah and then I can always look at my box when I need a pick me up.

Create a playlist of upbeat songs and crank up the music

positive affirmation cards, make at least 15 cards with positive statements on them
see http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.ph...ding+techniques
for a list of examples

talk to someone - this is REALLY ok!
do yoga, pilates or stretch
do art
play with a pet
sacred box
play with clay
think about someone I care about and what they would say to me
self affirmations
write letters to what is upsetting me
listen to music
Pray
Use washable red markers to "cut" on your skin
Place your hands in freezing cold water
Repetitive reality checking (It's January, 2009, and I'm going to be ok)
Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW
Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people
Get out on your own, get away from the stress
Help someone around you (reach out on a bb, newsgroup, phone list etc.)
Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe
Take a different perspective (different vantage point)
"I'm aware" Repeat 5 things you see, smell, touch, taste in your present surroundings to help ground you in the present
Go for a walk - Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body
Move to music
ASK FOR HELP
Ask yourself inside, what YOU need
Journal
Touch Something familiar/safe
Draw
Put your feet firmly on the floor
Tear up paper (old phonebooks, newspapers, etc.)
Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc.
Notice black and white thinking
Notice "choices" versus "dilemmas"
Keep in touch with others who are fighting the same fight
Make yourself as comfortable as possible
Color in coloring books
Hold a stuffed animal
Write a poem
Leave the room
Play a musical instrument
Listen to a comedy tape or video
Pull weeds in a garden
Ride a horse
Watch a movie
Play a game
Read past journals
Notice the progress
Ties or jewelry (mindless work)
chores: laundry, dishes, iron Dann's shirts, scrub the floor, etc.
write Thank you notes to those that have helped me
drink an ice cold drink
scream, cry, yell, just get it out!

A letter to the Bishop that changed my life

It seems strange to be putting a letter to you in the same place that I have put the other letters... But since this is my life, and you are more a part of my life than they ever will be, there is much I want to tell you.

Thank you for being a friend to me. Thank you for your kindness, your love, your time, your devotion to me. Thank you for being an angel in my life. I know the Lord would have been with me as He always had, but there was something so nice about hearing a comforting voice and feeling your arms around me. I have never known such safety as I have talking with and sharing with you.

Now, as things are changing (as they always will), I know it will be ok. I know I am not alone. I know that if I can learn to feel safe with you, and to feel loved by you - I can learn it elsewhere as well. Thank you for being that safe place for me to fall so many millions of times. Thank you for helping me to see the greatness in me.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. You willingness to open up to me has given me so much. Its hard to put in words all of the feelings... but through your sharing of all the pain that you have been through, you have helped to bring healing to me. I hope that maybe I have brought healing into your life as well.

Driving in to church today, I just felt an ache when I knew I wouldn't see your truck there, when I wouldn't talk to you while trying to play the organ, and that I wouldn't be meeting with you today. I know this is all part of the Lord's plan for each of us, and I am grateful for His hand in my life. But I don't have to like it. (This is said with a dramatic pouty face, and a slight temper tantrum.)

I am so grateful for you! Words can't express how much you have meant to me. I am so afraid that you will get some distance from me and think I am crazy or be grateful that you don't have to deal with me ever again. I'm afraid that the only reason you have loved me is because you were the Bishop, and without His help, you won't be capable of loving me. I'm afraid I am just too hard to love.

I know this is probably false, and even if it is the truth, I can handle it. I appreciate that you have always been completely honest with me, and I hope you will continue to be so.

I love you! You are still on my list of blessings everyday, and will continue to be so for a very long time.

Lots of love,
Jen

The new bishop

Meeting with Bishop Campbell was a very interesting experience. I have been in that office a lot of times, and spent a lot of time there. I was so sad that Bishop Johnson wasn't there. He has been sucha huge support to me, and a good friend, and I am so greatful for him. I didn't like being in his office and having to talk to some other guy.

Bishop Campbell was incredibly sweet and kind. He seemed to understand mostly that he just couldn't understand. He wanted to. I could see in his eyes love and compassion for me. In fact, it was the very same love I had seen in Bishop Johnson's eyes. I knew where the feeling came from, and I knew that Bishop Campbell was the bishop.

I am so grateful for the gospel, and the church leadership. I am grateful that although I will miss Bishop Johnson being in the ward, seeing him at church, and counseling with him like I used to, I also know that I am not alone. I have gone to Bishop's, teachers, leaders, friends, etc., looking for someone to love me, to understand me, and to help me to understand myself and what happened. None of them could or would.

Bishop Johnson worked so hard to figure me out. He was willing to put in so much time, and so many prayers. I know it was so hard on him and his family, and I also know he saved my life in so many ways! Then he sat down with Bishop Campbell and they talked about all of the crap I have been through, and how hard I am working to find a different life. Bishop Johnson also shared his love for me, so that I could feel loved from the new bishop.

I am not expressing myself as well as I would like. I just feel so grateful. I feel so hopeful for what will come. And yet, I feel so sad, because things are changing, and I miss the way things used to be.

I am a survivor!

I am a survivor of:
childhood sexual abuse (age 5)
physical and emotional abuse (until age 18)
sexual assault (age 18)
repeated marital rape and other forced sex acts (age 19-21)
physical and emotional abuse from my husband (age 24-29)

I just feel so sad. I have had many great blessings, and I am so grateful yet to look at this list... and to know that I have known very little time without experiencing abuse. I feel sad. I feel sorrow for the life I never knew, and for the pain that I experienced that I didn't have to experience.

What does age 30-35 look like?

I don't know - it's hard to imagine. I would love to say 30 starts the day where it doesn't hurt anymore. I am strong, and I take care of myself, and I can trust the men in my life to not hurt me. Dann is trying hard, but will it be enough?
Thinking about the future still brings more pain than hope. It is hard to imagine that the future holds more joy than pain, or that it will be any different than the past.

Sometimes its exhausting to be me

Because of the abuse and my desire to be good, I have spent my believing I don't deserve anything good until I am perfect. I have been fighting against this belief for a long time. I have acted as if I deserved good things, even when I didn't feel it. Still, it continues to exhaust me. Is this part of Me, the Real Me? I don't think so.

How long do I have to fight against the belief that I don’t deserve anything before I begin to feel like I deserve good things? I think about silly things, and I feel guilty. I am not sure how other people think or feel, but I get so tired of fighting against the crap in my head.

• I drive into a parking lot, and feel like I should park at the back. There are people that need and deserve the places at the front more than I do.
• I sit in the living room. There are six seats on the couch and seven people. I should be the one to take the floor.
• On the bus, when others walk in, I should stand so they can sit.
• I notice the smallest piece of food, and that is the one I should take (if I take any).
• If someone else wants to give me a hug, and I don’t want it, I should let them. They need the love and the comfort, and it doesn’t hurt me that much.
• I feel like I should apologize for being in the way if someone steps on me.
• If someone mentions something that needs to be done, I should be the one to do it.
• If someone else is working, I have no right to sit still. I need to be working and helping.
• If everyone is sitting, that is still no excuse, I should be up and working.
• If someone else is hurting, I deserve to be hurting too.
• Everyone wants to ride the horse, so I feel like I shouldn’t take a turn. I will let everyone else go first, and then maybe, I can go too.
• I feel guilty for making the horse carry me.
• If I see someone else walking or taking the bus, I feel guilty for driving in my car. Something in my head says they deserve the car more than I do.
• I don’t deserve to spend money on myself for anything: clothes, food, vacations, cars, nothing!
• I feel guilty for every word I talk about myself. Other people need to talk about themselves, and they don’t want to hear about me.
• I feel guilty for laughing when there is no one else to see the smile on my face.
• In lines, driving, everywhere, I feel guilty if I go before anyone else.

Logically, I know I deserve good things in my life. I deserve to eat, to sit on the couch, to be happy, to smile just for me, but it still takes so much work to live that way. It’s funny to me that even writing this I feel guilty, because I feel inadequate… like I don’t deserve to complain about these things.

The start of this blog

I don't know quite how to start.. I have had another blog, my private journal, for a long time. There are many things in that blog that I want to share. There are experiences that I think could help others. There are lessons I have learned that I can't keep to myself.

I don't know how this will work. Its hard to share the positives of this journey without sharing at least some of the crap... But, I don't want to burden anyone with too much of the details.
We will see how this goes.

I will repost things from that blog... I hope I can pick things that won't trigger people too much, or upset people, but will help people understand what its like. This journey is HARD!

I want those who have been abused to know there is a way out, and I want the whole journey documented. I want those who are "secondary survivors" (friends of sexual abuse survivors) to understand what their friends are going through. I want people with eating disorders to see that there is a way out. I want to share some of the crazy thinking that goes on inside the eating disorder brain.

Mostly, I want to share me. I want people to understand ME. I don't know who that is exactly, but I will.