I will Get There - Boyz II Men

I have been pulling out music books - trying to find songs to play and sing, trying to find something to make me feel better, more complete, alive, or something... I have had this song in a book for years, but have never heard it before. I played it, just because I liked the title.

I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart
I have known a pain so deep
But I know my faith will free me
And I'll get through this
I'll find my way again
So don't tell me that it's over
'Cause each step just gets me closer
I will get there
I will get there somehow
Cross that river
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night (Oh, yes, I will)
And make it through to the other side

I got to the second verse, and sang the words about chains and I couldn't continue singing. I was too choked up. I ached inside with the hope that one day I will be free from all of these chains.

I've been in these chains for so long
I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong
Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall
And I swear this time I won't fall
I will do this
No matter what it takes
'Cause I know no limitations
And I'll reach my destination, I will get there

I will get there somehow
Cross that river
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
Get there

Well, the night is cold and dark
But somewhere the sun is shining
And I'll feel it shine on me
I'll keep on tryin', I'll keep on tryin'
I will get there
I will get there somehow
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
Get there, get there
I will get there
I will get there somehow
Cross that river (I'll cross that river for you)
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there

I'll get there

I will get there! I will get there! I will get there!

I just thought it was normal

Today, talking to Bishop Campbell, he told me that he has never felt an answer to prayers like he felt when he walked into my new apartment. Bishop Johnson has said the same thing many times, and so has Paul.

This is the way most of my life has been. (There were times where I felt nothing, but even then, amazing things were happening, I just was too numb to notice.) I just thought everyone felt this way. I thought everyone got answers to prayers and saw amazing miracles like I see.

I thought everyone felt led perfectly in their lives, and just knew what they needed to do. I thought everyone knew what to say to people at certain times, and felt the influence of the spirit over them.

I have had a lot of crap in my life that I thought was normal. It came as a shock when I realized others didn't have to go through all of the stuff I went through. Today, it came as a little bit of a shock when I realized how amazingly blessed I am. Others don't have the same amazing experiences I have. Others don't get to feel this close to their Heavenly Father. Others don't know Him and His ways like I do. (That sounds a little arrogant, but I mean it as an amazing blessing.)

I guess the Lord knew I would need extra special care, and He has given it. I am truly blessed in ways that aren't normal - I am incredibly grateful. I guess I don't want to be normal after all.

* Richard G. Scott, “Trust in the Lord,” Ensign, Nov 1995

(Excerpts)

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.

True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build. That takes effort. There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled.

The Lord’s plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed. The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature, to grow, to love, and to give of yourself. He is preparing you to be a god. You cannot understand fully what that means, yet, He knows. As you trust Him, seek and follow His will, you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth. Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness. They have given you the plan of happiness. As you understand and follow it, happiness will be your blessing. As you willingly obey, receive, and honor the ordinances and covenants of that holy plan, you can have the greatest measure of satisfaction in this life. Yes, even times of overpowering happiness. You will prepare yourself for an eternity of glorious life with your loved ones who qualify for that kingdom

Tao of Equus - the story of Rocky

A woman at The Ranch adopted a formerly abused Arabian gelding who everyone insisted was hopeless. The sixteen-year-old horse was distrustful of people, head shy, extremely difficult to catch, halter, and lead. He was commonly described as stupid, psychotic, and more colorfully as loco. Nancy, however, felt a strong connection to Rocky, whose large soulful eyes held so much promise on minute and so much fear the next.

(That is how I would describe my own eyes. Sometimes, I feel so clear, and I know there is life in my eyes. Sometimes, I feel so afraid, and there is nothing but fear in them. And sometimes, my eyes are completely lifeless as I dissociate.)

One evening, Nancy's twenty-year-old daughter, Becky, asked me to take a look at the horse.
"The vet thinks we should put Rocky down," she said. "He went ballistic yesterday during his checkup. My mom and the vet were just trying to get the halter on him, and he freaked out. He actually tried to jump the fence and cut his leg real bad in the process. He was so keyed up that the vet shot him full of tranquilizers and still had trouble wrapping the wound. Everyone says Rocky is dangerous. My mom feels terrible, but I don't want her to get hurt."

I have thought many times that my emotions were so out of control, it would be doing me and everyone else a favor if they just, "put me down."

Walking toward Rocky's stall, I knew I had the final say as to whether this horse lived or died. the little gelding stood in the corner, obviously wary of my presence. I took a deep breath and slowly approached him as Nancy stood just inside the gate. A number of conflicting sense images filled my body.
"Has something particularly disturbing happened to you?" I asked Nancy. "Other than what happened with Rocky, are you upset about something in your life?"
"Well..." she said, "I lost my job last week."
"Have you been trying to act happy around Rocky when you're actually feeling sad, angry... trapped?"
"Yeah," she replied tentatively, not quite understanding why I was asking such personal questions about her when rocky was the one whose life was on the line.
Rocky lowered his head and licked his lips, a sign I had come to read in my own horses as indicating the release of some previously unacknowledged emotion. In this case, Rocky's comfort level seemed directly tied to Nancy's hidden feelings. I walked toward him. He backed away. More images, more sensations seemed to arise from his wounded leg and his aching heart. I silently conveyed to Rocky that Nancy was his last chance, that I would try to explain his perspective to her, but if he couldn't bring himself to trust this woman, his worst fears would indeed come true. I told him I would convince her to give him one more month, the rest was up to him. After a good fifteen minutes of subtle interactions with the horse, he allowed me to briefly touch his shoulder.

That is what it felt like the first time I met with BJ. I remember feeling like this was my last chance, I had to bring myself to trust him. It was up to me. He was willing, but I had to meet him at least half way. I am grateful that somewhere, I found the ability that I had never had before.

"Imagine this," I finally said to Nancy, who now stood quietly, hopefully, next to the feeder about five feet away from Rocky. "Imagine that you were raped as a teenager. A few years later, you marry a man who seems very gentle and understanding. Yet once you have that wedding ring on your finger, he thinks you should just get over your conflicting feelings about sex. He suddenly treats you like he owns you. You know he loves you, but he's impatient with you. It doesn't make any sense, but you feel trapped, like you want to run away from this person, who you also realize is your only real hope for connection. rocky feels like that. He knows you care for him, but just because you officially own him now, just because you pay his feed and board doesn't mean he can automatically let go of all those years of abuse and mistrust. He can't become intimate so easily. Do you know what I mean?"

I have felt that with many people in my life. With Larry... With Dann... with BJ... with my parents. I wanted to let go of the mistrust, the pain, the hurt, and I knew they cared, but I couldn't do it. Until now...

Nancy stared at me in silence for a moment.
"I do," she finally said, diverting her eyes as if suddenly embarrassed. She slowly looked up at me, shaking her head in disbelief. "Basically, you just told my life's story."
I was taken aback by this admission. The example I used had popped into my mind while interacting with Rocky. I had no idea it related to Nancy's life. Unprepared for a full-blown equine-facilitated psychotherapy session, especially one based on a sudden intuition, I nonetheless gathered my wits and proceeded to explain the concept of emotions congruency. I told Nancy she wasn't doing Rocky any favors by trying to suppress her negative feelings in his presence. This was not the way to calm him down and gain his trust. As I discussed Rocky's situations form a therapeutic perspective, it became obvious that Nancy's attraction toe the horse stemmed from I've come to call emotional resonance. People and horses who've experienced similar difficulties, betrayals, and abuses are like two strings tuned to the same note. Whenever Nancy was in a heightened state of turmoil, I explained, Rocky couldn't help but resonate with her. And the intensity would increase if she tried to hide those feelings. In such a state of incongruity, her emotions were fighting her intellect, begging to be expressed/ this actually turned the volume up on the sympathetic vibrations exciting Rocky's own unresolved fears and frustrations, causing him to act these feelings out for both of them. I asked her to consider the possibility that even though Rocky was afraid of the vet, his reactions were accentuated in the presence of Nancy, who it turned out was only experiencing feelings related to the loss of her job, but a series of frustrations with her her husband, who was having an affair with another woman in part because of his inability to deal with Nancy's childhood sexual trauma.
"Tell Rocky what you're feeling," I said. "Get it out in the open so he doesn't have to mirror it for you. He won't necessarily understand what you're saying, but by expressing your true feelings, you'll become congruent, and you'll release the tension behind those emotions."
For he next ten minutes, Nancy spoke candidly about the violence, shame, and betrayal she experienced. She promised rocky that she wouldn't push him, that she would treat him as she would have wanted to be treated by the men in her life. My eyes began to sting in response to her story. the moment I let go of my professional distance and allowed the tears to flow down my cheeks, Rocky stepped toward me and rested his face in the center of my chest. Just a few minutes earlier I had told Nancy that, unlike human beings, horses don't judge or reject us for what we're feeling; it's the act of trying to suppress our emotions that drives them insane. Rocky took that notion one step further. He showed us that even a horse written of as loco, a horse considered too cray to live, could feel safe enough to approach us the moment we let down our guard and began to speak from the heart.
Rocky did indeed take us up on our offer. The first month came and went without incident as the horses accepted the halter, and began to lead and longe without objection. Six months later, he is a gregarious even joyful member of Nancy and Becky's herd, and they've made arrangements to start him under saddle with me in the spring.

As I finished this story, there was a huge lump in my chest. I am not even sure what emotions were there. They were all clumped up together, and were too big to come out. I just know that I resonated with this story, and I am hopeful I become gregarious and even joyful...

There are no shoulds - only wants and needs

This morning (and lets face it most mornings) I am being bombarded by shoulds.

I should go to Courage Reins and volunteer. I should go walk Bo and Sunny - give them some gentle exercise. I should read in my Tao of Equus book. I should get my therapy book, and read in that. I should do the exercises from the 12-step book. I should clean the office. I should go walking. I should write on my blog. I should eat snack now. I should eat lunch. I should go home. I should do dishes and laundry. I should call Katie, Amanda and Lauren to see how they are doing. I should call Dann. I should be thinking of fun things to do with him this weekend. I should be thinking about the tie website. I should...

Some of my shoulds are things that I wanted to do before... but now I have zero desire. All I want to do is go back to bed and cry.

Really, there are no shoulds. Really there are only needs and wants.
Do I want to go to courage reins today? No, not really. Maybe another day. Do I need to go to Courage Reins? Nope.
Do I want to go spend time with Bo and Sunny? Maybe. Do I need to? Nope, although they might really appreciate some exercise after yesterday's ride.
Do I want to read in my Tao of Equus book? Yes. I enjoy reading about that, but I also don't want to do it right now. Do I need to? Nope
Do I want to get my theraoy book, and read in that? No... Do I need to? It would be helpful, yes, but I don't need to do it right now.
Do I want to do the exercises from the 12-step book? No, not really. Do I need to? Again, it would be helpful, but I don't need to do it right now.
Do I want to clean the office? no - who would want to do that, but I do want the office clean. Do I need to clean? Not really...
Do I want to go walking? Yes. It would feel good to get my blood pumping, to be outside, and walking helps me think clearer. Do I need to go walking? Nope
Do I want to write on my blog? I want to have what I am thinking about written down, but no I don't really want to right now. Do I need to write on my blog? Yes. I think I do. It makes a big difference in my day if I write down my thoughts. Its like I can let go of them once I write them down.
Do I want to eat snack now? No. do I need to eat snack now? Yes.
Do I want to eat lunch? Not right now. I just ate snack. Do I need to eat lunch? Yes. I will need to eat, and I probably need to think about it right now, so I don't get myself stuck in a situation where I don't have anything.
Do I want to go home? No, although I do want to want to go home... Do I need to go home? I will need to eventually, but not right now.
Do I want to do dishes and laundry? of course not. Do I need to do dishes and laundry? Eventually, yes.
Do I want to call my friends to see how they are doing? No. Not right now. I don't feel like I could handle anyone else's crap right now. I am barely hanging on with my own... Do I need to call them? No. They are friends, and I care for them. If I don't call them, it will be ok.
Do I want to call Dann? I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I would say... I miss him. Do I need to call him? Yes... I probably do, to help reassure him. and to show me that I don't need to worry about what to talk about. We can just chat about nothing for a few minutes and it will help us both feel more connected.
Do I want to be thinking of fun things to do with him this weekend? If I wasn't feeling so stuck and overwhelmed, yes I would want to. Do I need to? No... Although it would help. When we have fun plans, we stay together longer and its easier for me to enjoy our time together. When we don't have anything planned, I don't want to do anything or be with him...
Do I want to be thinking about the tie website? Not right now. Do I need to? Eventually...

Its really quite amazing what asking these questions of myself has done. I feel no pressure to do any of them. I actually know things I can change so that I will want to do things, and I feel much better.

I'm going to the park. I am going to sit on a blanket in the warm sun. I am going to read. I am going to practice drawing the things I want to draw. I am going to watch little kids play. I am going to just sit with myself. And then I am going to go for a walk and get myself lunch at Rubio's. I am going to buy it, eat it and enjoy it myself. Because that is what I want and need to do to take care of me.

Bless you shit for coming into my life

In therapy, Paul read me this paragraph:

It was granted to me to carry away from my prison years on my bent back, which nearly broke beneath its load, this essential experience: how a human being becomes evil and how good. In the intoxication of youthful successes I had felt myself to be infallible, and I was therefore cruel. In the surfeit of power I was a murderer and an oppressor. In my most evil moments I was convinced that I was doing good, and I was well supplied with systematic arguments. It was only when I lay there on rotting prison straw that I sensed within myself the first stirrings of good. Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either—but right through every human heart—and through all human hearts.... That is why I turn back to the years of my imprisonment and say, sometimes to the astonishment of those about me: “Bless you, prison!” I...have served enough time there. I nourished my soul there, and I say without hesitation: “Bless you, prison, for having been in my life!” (The Gulag Archipelago: 1918-1956, Vol. 2, 615-617)

As he read, I thought about all of the things I have learned over the past year. I felt grateful for the eating disorder and all that recovery is teaching me. I felt grateful for all of the wonderful people I met because of the eating disorder. I thought about Larry, and when Paul read the last line, in my mind, I actually said, "Bless you Larry for having been in my life."

I don't think he ever meant to hurt me. I believe he was doing the best he could. That doesn't mean that I think what he did was okay - it just means I have compassion for him. I also am grateful for all that I have learned, and I truly feel grateful for all of the experiences.

When he finished, Paul turned to me and said, "Maybe one day, you'll be able to say, 'Bless you..." And he stopped. Then he started again, "Bless you... shit... for coming into my life."

I am grateful for all of the shit. I am grateful for all that I've learned. And there is still no better way to say it. Tonight, in my prayers, I will thank God for the shit.

Tao of Equus - the story of Noche

Noche was an abused horse. When the author took him in - she watched him and thought he was a very aloof, distant, tired old horse. It wasn't until she started spending all day long just hanging out in the pasture, that he began to trust her. He came alive with his own personality.

Still, if he felt threatened and couldn't get away from people, he would dissociate. She would watch him recede back into his own head. She could tell he was getting as far away from the people as he could get while still being tied to his hitching post.

The author talks about how careful people have to be in working with an abused horse:

"If you're going to work with an abused horse, you have to recognize exactly what you're feeling at all times. Like a traumatized person, Noche is hypersensitive to the blood pressure, muscle tension, breathing rate, and unexpressed emotions of anyone approaching him."
"There is a purpose to his fear. Whether they have two or four legs, abused animals tend to become hyper vigilant. This means they turn the volume up on all their senses to gauge the arousal level of others. in this way, a distrustful horse like Noche can tell what state someone's in long before that person can get close enough to cause him harm. "

That is part of the reason I'm so good at empathizing with others. It's a powerful defense mechanism that has allowed me to stay safe, and has also allowed me to help others. It has given me abilities others don't seem to have, but it has also been blown way out of proportion. I am afraid when I don't need to be... I feel others' anger when it is merely a small frustration.

"YOU have to be calm to reassure Noche. He doesn't want you around if you're afraid or angry. These emotions plug him into his own unresolved issues and probably trigger memories of past abuse."

I know that is true for myself. I don't like to be around people who are afraid or angry. It makes me uncomfortable, panicked, afraid, angry, anxious, nervouse, and so much more. I feel silly that I get so worked up about it. Other people don't seem to have the same problems I do. I react to others' anger before I even know what I am doing.

"In order to work with Noche, you have to own your feelings. If you don't, he'll continue to react to the anxiety you're carrying around and be triggered by it unmercifully. Whether you're dealing with an abused horse, or an abused human, you have no hope of helping someones heal his own trauma if you're inadvertently setting him off with your unconscious emotions, then freaking out yourself, and falling into a state of dissociation."

Which is what I do all the time with Dann. He has his own healing to do. He has had his own traumas, and although they don't effect him in the same ways, we are still constantly triggering each other. We go through the same cycle that Noche goes through!

"Listen to the message behind the emotion and respond to it. If you're afraid, for instance, you need to locate the threat and move to safety. Anger usually arises when someone has violated your personal boundaries in some way. You need to determine who stepped over the line and reinstate a boundary that makes you feel comfortable."

This seems so simple, and yet I struggle to even begin to think about what this means. Logically, it makes perfect sense, but when I try to apply it... it feels like I am trying to fly. I feel rather... stuck!

"To work with Noche, you'll have to develop a certain level of emotional agility, and you won't be able to do that if you're always running away from your feelings, which in your case means deflecting your attention to the emotions of others."

She says things like this several times. I feel so selfish and a little crazy, but I feel like saying if you want to talk to me about the things that are important to me, you have to be emotionally agile enough. There are very few people who fit that.

I think I have always known who I can share things with - probably because I was hurt when I was young. I figured out how to protect myself, and I don't just mean physically. I figured out how to keep people from hurting me emotionally. When others are in a good place, I easily share with him. When he's not, there is nothing inside me to share. It is the same with new people, sometimes I feel like sharing quite a bit of myself. Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to share. Its just not there.

Tao of Equus - The Story of Joy continued

"This morning, I happened upon the most extreme case of abuse and neglect I 've seen in a long time. Can you believe it? The poor creature was in an absolute panic as her owner continued to drag her into a situation she objected to with every fiber of her being, a situation I know she barely escaped once before. Her whole body was shaking with fear and with the anger of having her basic needs so grossly neglected and ignored that I was tempted to call the humane society. But then again the humane society has no jurisdiction over the human soul.
I'm talking about you, Joy. Your conscious identity's treatment of the graceful, sensitive and gifted being inside is absolutely no different than the Noche's abusive former owner treated him. Imagine someone bullying that wonderful, intelligent creature who just taught you more about yourself than any counselor could. Imagine someone bashing him over the head with a two-by-four and calling him stupid.
You beat yourself up in the same way all the time, and you let others join in. Do you really think I should tolerate this kind of violence and neglect from you when I would never stand by and watch someone torturing a horse. The anger and panic coming from your body were so powerful I felt like I was being suffocated and beaten from the inside out. Emotions this strong can't be revolved through suppression or expression. The behavior that generates them must change.
You have to capacity to become an empathic healer, whether or not you choose to use it in any formal way. But you can't help other people by feeling sorry for them and indulging them at your own expense. You will only kill the gifted part of yourself through the neglect and abuse you constantly inflict on yourself. Please, listen to your body, your emotions, and your soul - and not the twisted conditioning that's become your conscious mind. Your very survival depends on you actually making an effort to change, not just talk about it while you ignore or wallow in strong emotions you aren't truly listening to.
Like most aggressive people, you were taught to be that way. You just deflected it onto yourself to avoid hurting others. Your heart is already in the right place. A shift in perception is what you need. When you find yourself in a volatile situation, become the horse. Scan the landscape around you without judging or idealizing others. Feel the rivers of physical, emotional and intuitive knowledge rise up to the surface. Let the wild, sensitive, strong yet gentle force of your soul lead the way now and then.
The woman who respects and listens to the wisdom of the prey, cannot possibly abuse herself or anyone else, and it will become a lot more difficult for others to victimize her as well."

There was so much wisdom in all of that - I felt like she was talking to me rather than to Joy.

I have forced myself to do so many things that my heart, body, soul did not want to do. There was so much inside of me that disagreed, but I did it anyways because I was supposed to. I wish I had thought of it this way before.

I have abused myself horribly. I have denied myself love, compassion, food, rest, everything that a person needs to just survive. I have beat myself both emotionally and physically. I am far more abusive than anyone I have ever known. I would not sit by and let someone treat a horse, or any other animal, the way I treat myself. It would anger and sicken me to see someone abusing another the way I abuse myself.

The final lines about listening to the wisdom of the prey really got to me though. In my mind, I thought that if I listened to that voice inside trying to protect me, I was a victim. I was being silly. I wasn't fitting in with what society would want me to do. I am showing emotions that aren't okay to show, and definitely aren't okay to give in to.

I know I am growing stronger and gaining more clarity everyday. I can be trusted more and more. That is exciting.

Scary, hard night

Last night, I was feeling a little anxious about trying to sleep.

Eventually, I went through the grounding exercises and laid down. It was hard for my body to relax. Even while I was still awake, it kept tensing up all over. It was a little miserable. I put on holosync, and that just seemed to make it worse.

My body started tensing - the all over extremely painful, seizure-like flashbacks. I started crying. I thought about how I just wanted to text BJ to come in right then. I decided that I would wait, let myself go through it, and eventually I would calm down on my own.

I tried. I may have even gone to sleep, but the terror and fear were still completely overwhelming. I felt like I was paralyzed in the bed, and there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening to me. It was terrifying. For about three hours, I went through this agonizing pain. I was exhausted. I didn't know what I wanted BJ to do, but I sent him a text at 3:44 am.

I thought I sent, "Help?" Apparently, I was way more out of it than I thought. He got the message, "Hes".

He came in and just sat with me. My body continued to seize up, I don't know for how long. He gave me a priesthood blessing. I don't remember what it said, except that he blessed me that I would remember the words of that blessing and other blessings. He promised that all of the blessings I have received would come true. He also blessed me with the ability to rest.

After he left, I turned on a different holosync track. I relaxed and went to sleep before that one was over. After that, I woke up a few times filled with terror, but I was able to calm down and just go right back to sleep.

I remember a time when my nights were like that every night. It hasn't been like that for a while. Although it sucks to have them at all - I am grateful that I don't have them all of the time now. I am grateful I was here, and I didn't have to go through that pain alone

The purpose of the pain...

Yesterday, Dr West (of Zero Disease) talked about the dangers of using the healing knowledge he was teaching us. He used the example of a weightlifter. They have worked on weightlifters who had fatigued their muscles to the point, that they COULDN'T lift another ounce. After they worked on them, they could go back and lift just as much as they had at the beginning.

His question, just because they COULD lift that much again, SHOULD they?

Then he went on and talked about the wise person will not wait for the pain to return to take care of themselves. They will do the healing work he was teaching regularly enough that the pain won't return. They will let their body and muscles rest even if they seem healthy enough to go on.

This morning, it hit me, that I will continue to have pain until I learn how to take care of myself. As long as I continue to try to take care of everyone else first, as long as I push myself way past what I know is right for me and my body, as long as I keep ignoring all of the subtle signals that something is wrong - I will continue to feel this pain. No matter how much healing work I do. No matter how hard I try, if I don't learn to take care of myself, it will continue to hurt.

I have learned this lesson before. It came from a wheelchair at CFC. I kept passing out, because I was waiting for someone else to tell me I should be in the chair, or I didn't deserve to sit down, or I had to do what everyone else expected of me, or... Finally, one day, I just accepted the dang thing, and then learned how to sit down when I was feeling dizzy, and now I do pretty good taking care of me that way.

If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound with mine, let us work together

~ aboriginal woman

I saw this quote, and it echoes something I feel. Its hard to describe what it is like when people come to help and think they are better than me. It sucks! I would rather do it on my own than have someone look down on me for having hard times.

It is true that we are all connected. My freedom from this pain effects many people. Most of those people will never know about this journey I have been on, but it will change their lives. I know that others' freedom from pain, heartache, etc. effects me.

We are all held captive by something, and together we can all be liberated.

Tao of Equus - Unlearning to ignore our feelings

This book has again surprised me as it has described me and my experiences.

"People who've been convinced to mistrust the simplest of feelings and perceptions can be counted upon to obey family, peer group, and government policies about more complicated matters, even if these policies are obviously destructive or immoral. This is an ongoing problem for women with a history of abuse. As little girls, they learned to be happy, helpful, brave, and polite when they really felt sad, frightened, rebellious and angry. No one ever taught them how to manage or learn from those "bad feelings." As a result, they later found they could not rely on their own internal warning system to avoid potentially dangerous situations. When these women finally seek therapy in the face of extreme adversity, the culturally conditioned split between mind and body actually keeps them from changing the pattern. It's simply not possible for a battered wife to talk herself out of nonverbal postures of submissions and conformity ingrained in her since early childhood. With her mind firmly focused on the ideals of freedom and a better life, she remains oblivious to the ways her body and personality were molded to support chauvinistic and authoritarian agendas, molds set in place without her conscious knowledge or consent. Women are ceaselessly preyed on in civilized society because, in order to conform, they relinquish the same somatic and emotional wisdom that allows horses, deer, and zebras to elude an attack in nature."

To please everyone else, I ignored my own fear and heartache. I kept pushing through, toughing it out, and submitting completely to first my parents, then my husband, and even to the church. This submission left me in the perfect mindset to be victimized first by Johnny, then by Larry. Really I am lucky it wasn't worse.

And now, I am at the point that it is hard for me to even know what I want and what I feel. Everyone else's emotions and vulnerabilities are far more important to me than my own. I am trying to unlearn to ignore my own feelings. I have gotten much better over the past year. I don't "push through it" nearly as much, and it feels good albeit still strange.

It is very strange to think that my fear is actually there to serve me. It is actually okay to acknowledge it and sometimes listen to it.

Tao of Equus - the story of Joy

Joy had been sexually molested by a groom in the horse stables, physically abused by her grandmother, mother and father, and had been in many very destructive relationships.

"In Joy's estimation, the ex-boyfriends and husbands who proceeded to abuse her were basically good men who crave the right kind of nurturing and understanding. She hadn't been able to figure out exactly what they needed, but she was working on it."

Her first day at the stables, Joy picked a horse that was stubborn and aggressive. She felt she had an instant connection with him, and she felt safest with him. After watching him bite, kick and chase off the other horses from the food, she decided she did in fact know him. He was just like all of the abusive men she had ever known.

"Joy had mistakenly associated the feeling of familiarity with safety. She had misread Hawk's disrespect of boundaries as affection. "

For the last ten years of my life, I have been the opposite. If it felt familiar, it was dangerous. New was safe. New people didn't hurt you like family did. New was good. As soon as something even the slightest bit negative happened I ran... because of the relationship with Larry. I stayed with him long after I should have. I wanted to save him.

I would have picked Hawk, but only because I heard he was abused. I would want to save him, love him, show him that not all people are like that. I would let him hurt me in the name of saving him.

Look up!

Yesterday, horseback riding was hard. I was so tired, I was just forcing myself to go, because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to waste beautiful weather. I didn't want to be lazy. I didn't know where else I would go - nowhere offers peace or rest, so I might as well go be on a horse.

I found myself looking down - focusing hard just to stay on the horse and get up (and then back down) the mountain.

At one point, I heard a voice say, "Look up!"

I looked up and saw the sky, the beautiful rock faces, the trees, the leaves, the birds, even the horses are really quite magnificent.

I realized that so often I get caught up in the task at hand - pushing through to get to the end of the journey, I don't see the beauty around me. I miss everything while climbing, because all I can see is climbing. Sometimes, I just need to stop, "Look up!" and see all that there is to see.

Progress... its slow, but it is happening

This morning, I was thinking about progress, and more specifically the progress I have made. It was only a few weeks ago that I couldn't even sleep in the bed with blankets over me. Then, one day, I got sick of the sleeping bag and slept with a blanket. I have never even thought about going back to the sleeping bag. The blanket is better - its more comfortable, its not as noisy, I feel more normal.

Before that, I could have slept with a blanket, but it made me more anxious. It was harder to try to get to sleep. By not forcing myself to do what I thought I should do, the change just happened.

I know I am progressing and changing everyday. I just want it to be faster. It would be so much easier on everyone else if I could just get through this and over all of this crap already. And, come to think of it, it would be easier on me too.

The other thought that I keep having is from Richard G. Scott's talk, Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse.

Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted.

I am grateful for every improvement.
I am grateful that I no longer feel the need to sleep with a sleeping bag.
I am grateful that I sleep better when I am at the Johnson's home.
I am grateful the eating disorder urges are not as strong as they used to be.
I am grateful there are times I want to be at home with Dann.
I am grateful that I am sitting at my computer typing anything with Lee and Jordon behind me.
I am grateful that I sleep at all.
I am grateful that Thursday I went riding and for a while only thought about riding.
I am grateful I was able to just relax and feel peaceful for an hour on the mountain.
I am grateful that Bishop Johnson can hold my hands and it doesn't cause the sexual reaction as much, and I don't have to concentrate like I used to.
I am grateful for the moments I am able to think through the fears and pull myself back to reality.
I am grateful that I can cry now.
I am grateful that I can go to sacrament meeting with less anxiety.
I am grateful that I can meet with Bishop Campbell without freaking out like I did with Bishop Johnson at first.
I am grateful I have a better understanding than I ever have before.
I am grateful that flashbacks were different.
I am grateful I don't feel as panicked and like I have to run from the Johnson's home.
I am grateful I can see four or five days into the future now - it used to be that I couldn't think about two hours.
I am grateful that I can go all night without asking for help from Bishop Johnson or anyone else.
I am grateful that cutting and pills are not on my mind all of the time.
I am grateful that although I felt like purging this morning, I didn't.
I am grateful that even the worst eating disorder days (say Sat.) are nothing compared to what they used to be.
I am grateful that I am more honest than I have ever been in my life about my feelings, my frustrations, my thoughts, everything.
I am grateful that I know better what I want. I am grateful I can guide Paul in therapy, and that I think clearly enough to help him know how to help me. I am grateful that it hurts right now, because I used to be so numb I couldn't feel pain.
I am grateful that I am able to see the beauty of art and music (This is new.)
I am grateful I can sing, laugh out loud, use my voice without hating myself.
I am grateful I parked closer to my building than I used to, and it was ok.
I am grateful that I can feel frustrated and angry rather than just accepting what people say and do.
I am grateful that I have questions.
I am grateful that I have been able to share my struggles with my friends from CFC.
I am grateful that I woke up feeling rested yesterday.
I am grateful that I woke up and felt the sunshine this morning.

I am grateful for every degree of progress. This list is not complete...I have been incredibly blessed on this journey.

I am safe

I am safe.
I am in this bed alone.
No one will hurt me.
It is ok to be afraid.
It is ok to cry.
I am stronger than these emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
If I need anything, BJ is in the next room.
This blanket keeps me warm and protects me.
I can feel that I am here, in this bed, in this home.
I am safe.

I admit I am powerless

I keep thinking about the first step of the 12-Steps.

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

My life is definitely unmanageable. I am trying with everything I have to learn, to grow, to change, but it is not working. The harder I try, the farther I get from what I want.

I am powerless. I have always known that, because I have always felt His presence with me. I have known what to do next. I feel completely helpless.

I just want to be home with my husband. I want to be home protecting him from the dark. Knowing that he feels the same fear of the dark that I feel is breaking my heart. Knowing that fear has only developed over the past few months makes me feel horrible. I want to be home to protect him. I want him to know he is not alone. But he is. He is married to a woman that is not capable of being married.

I want to feel safe, and there is no where. My life has become only the pain I live in. I have tried to be positive. I have tried to focus on where I am going. I have tried to think about all of the things I am grateful for. In the end, there is nothing left but the pain, the anguish, the guilt, the shame, the heartache.

I believe there is a Power greater than me - I believe He can restore my sanity. He can help me overcome my shortcomings, but I am wondering if He will. I am wondering if I am supposed to suffer forever. I am wondering if He is trying, and I am too stupid to see, to understand and to do what is necessary to find the peace I so desperately want.

Please, Please, oh Please help me! Be with me! Guide me. Why am I so alone? Why can't I see my way in the dark. I don't know what to do next. I can't take much more of this.

I am trying. Do You see that? Do You know? Do You care? I don't want to rely on anyone but You. I don't want to put my faith anywhere but in You. Please, don't make me go through this anymore. What will it take for me to overcome? How much longer? How much more?

I want to say, Not my will, but Thine. I just don't know if I have it in me to offer anymore. My will has long been gone. I don't have anything left to keep me going. I want to serve You, but I just... feel... powerless.

Gratitude Journal

I used to keep a daily gratitude journal. I have not been doing that, although I have tried to see the good happening as well as the bad. I have tried to be honest about the amazing blessings I have experienced in my life. There have been so many miracles, and I know I am so blessed.

Blessings:
I woke up feeling rested this morning. (Just like the priesthood blessing said!)
Priesthood blessing, and the truth it spoke to my heart.
Playing the organ.
BJ's home - having a place I can go where I feel safe. I can get a break from some of my confusion.
Things are changing everyday.
Dann loves me.
He makes me laugh. (This got a woot woot from Dann.)
Music - playing the piano speaks to something deep within. It brings out all of the things inside: good, bad, ugly.
Good friends - I have been blessed with friendships that most people only dream of. I know some of the most amazing women on the planet!
Sunshine!
The guy that thanked me for the organ music after church.
Bishop Campbell is still trying so hard to understand me and to help me.

I am ok...

I am tired. I feel nauseous. My head aches. I feel dizzy. I am not sure how much longer I can keep going. My body hurts. I can't shake the memories of what my abusers did. I feel desperate for something else, but I don't even know what.

But I don't want to make you worry. I want you to think I am strong. I don't want to hurt you. I am trying to be positive. I am trying to stop being a burden.

So, I say, "I am ok."

Asking the right questions

1. How long have you suffered from this problem? (The physical pain, emotions, feelings and sensations)

2. What was happening in your life before or during the time of diagnosis, or when you noticed this problem arise?

3. Who else in your family history has suffered from this?

4. What would you be focusing on if you didn't spend time worrying about this issue?

5. How would you be spending your time if you weren't taking care of or managing this problem?

6. How would you feel if you didn't have this in your life?

7. What is the downside of getting rid of this problem?

8. What is the upside of holding onto this problem? How does holding onto this problem help you or give you something positive?

9. What is YOUR theory about why you haven't yet resolved this dilemma, cleared this issue, neutralized this conflict?

10. What happened the last time you were at your best? Reached your goal? Got promoted? Won the award? Announced how happy you were in the new relationship? Looked fabulous? Said "no" to someone who was asking too much of you?

http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/ask-right-questions.htm

A new day has come (Celine Dion)

Today, listening to music, the following words jumped out at me. I look forward to this New Day... it is coming!

A new day has come (Celine Dion)

Where it was dark, now there's light
Where there was pain, now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength

So much more than good enough

I've been thinking more about what recovery means to me. I used to think it was finally feeling like I was good enough. Its so much more than that.

I am just me. I am not good enough, because I don't have to be good enough. I am Jen. I am beautiful. I am strong. I work hard. I play hard. I love people. I laugh easily. I like to smile. I get angry. I cry. I want to be loved. I like my clothes to match. I love my Heavenly Father. I hate church. I love music. I love my husband. I care deeply for people and notice things other people don't always see. I am late a lot. I love to be outside. I like to dance. I enjoy learning new things. I like fish tacos. I have a lot of questions. I hate secrets and I don't really like surprises. I love fireworks. I care deeply for my friends. I am passionate. I am rebellious. I want to be heard. I want to help other people. I am impatient.

I don't HAVE to be any of these things. If tomorrow, I change - I'm still Jen.

I wish I had words to describe what I am beginning to feel. Its not that Jen is good enough... its that it just doesn't matter whether Jen is good enough or not. Jen is Jen... and that is so much more than good enough!

Wash Away Those Years by Creed

I'm not sure how I found this song... but the words express the process I am going through very well. I've tried so many times to tell someone what happened, but I whispered so softly, no one could hear. So I just carried on... closed my eyes and imagined everything was alright.

Now, my anger is violent... and I'm trying to beat the silence. I am not alone. There are so many others who have been through what I am going through and come out. There are so many people who love me who are fighting with me. I have angels on both sides of the veil helping me find my way.

And then, I will imagine everything is alright, and it will become alright. I will be able to imagine the life I was meant to have. I won't hide the tears... they will wash away the pain from the years past.

"Wash Away Those Years"
She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

Facing Fear

I laid down. I turned on the holosync to try to relax.

It took about 30 seconds for me to be overcome with the sadness, the fear, the pain of the memories of Larry. I didn't try to hold back at all. I felt like I needed to cry about it, and I was ready to go through all that I needed to go through.

Bishop Johnson heard my cries, and came to check on me. When I calmed down a little, I told him I needed to go through this on my own. He can't keep rushing in to rescue me. At the same time that I knew I needed to go through it on my own - I didn't want to.

He said because he cared, he would leave.

Fear took over. I was stuck helpless and filled with panic. It was the same flashback I had been experiencing just a few minutes earlier only it was completely out of my control. Where just moments before I was willing to let myself cry and go through what I needed to. Now I had no choice.

He looked helpless for a moment, and then asked me if I was grounded. As my mind tried to figure out what he meant - I remembered Amanda's suggestions. I began moving my hands and my feet. I felt his hands and knew I was here in this house. I was safe. I was strong.

I let go of my death grip on his hands and let him go. Whatever I need to go through, I can go through it. I feel safe and comforted knowing he is just in the other room, but I don't need him here with me.

As soon as I had something to DO, I was able to take back control. But in the absence of an action, Fear took over. I was helpless against it. I am still a little nervous about being alone. I would much rather stay up and talk than sleep, but I am not going to die if I lay in this bed by myself. Fear would have me believe that I wouldn't survive alone.

He said he wasn't sure if he should have come in or not. Generally speaking, I would say, let me ask for help. Wait until I come to you. However, I did learn a little bit about myself and Fear tonight. I also feel stronger knowing that I told him what I needed, and then I chose to let him go. I knew it would be hard, and I knew it would be okay. I am grateful for the experience I just had. So, I trust that whatever you choose will work for my good.

I feel trusting. I feel strong. I feel alive!

Today has been a really good day

I have felt more like ME... I felt like smiling. I felt like I was more genuinely happy. I didn't feel as anxious or afraid.

Its hard to describe the day, because I guess there was nothing special about it. It was just more normal... It didn't hurt like I am used to hurting. I didn't have to run from myself or my feelings... I could just be me and be ok.

Sleep

Last night was an incredibly rough night... probably one of the toughest ones I have had yet. It made me start thinking about how to keep myself safe, how to get sleep at night, and how to start gaining some independence.

My first thought was about eating disorder recovery. I had to protect mealtime, and almost make it a sacred time. There were no arguments allowed. No conflicts. No emotions around the food. I could eat, I could have pleasant conversation, but I wouldn't play with recovery by trying to mix emotions and eating.

I thought of sleep. I have a lot of strange attitudes towards sleep just like I do food. I don't believe I deserve to sleep. I believe if I sleep at all, I am lazy. I feel like I am a better and stronger person if I don't sleep. Those crappy beliefs coupled with the flashbacks, nightmares, and night terrors have done a number on me.

Somehow, I have to protect my sleep time like I have protected mealtimes. I need to force myself to go to bed. I need to do my best to ground myself and make myself feel safe before getting into bed. In bed, I need to make it a positive atmosphere. I don't know how to do all this, but I am trying to remember how CFC helped us. I know they were careful to have a calm schedule from 8 until we went to bed at 10. We also took meds at 9 - which I could do. Lights out at 10:30 - no matter what. I don't know...

I don't have a plan yet, but I will learn to protect my sleep as carefully as I protect my eating.
(UGH!) I feel like such a loser! I don't need sleep. I am being silly. I can handle staying up late. I can handle not sleeping. I can handle whatever it is. I haven't had a bedtime since I was like 8... except for when I was at CFC... and now I am thinking of imposing one on myself?!? (BLAH!)

My options for tonight

I am freaking out. So panicked about the night time...

One thing I can do to help myself at this moment is to come up with a plan of action... Having the Johnson's home has made it so I can function through out the day. Not having it has caused me to lose my mind! But, that is not the only option.

So, tonight if I don't want to stay in my house, I don't have to:

I can go for a walk.
I can go to the office.
I can get a hotel.
I can stay in the church.
I can sleep in my car. Or Dann's car. Or the Kia.
I can go to the hospital and tell them I am suicidal.
I can go to a 24 hour gym.
I can sneak into the Johnson's home and sneak out early in the morning.
I can sneak into anyone's home.
I can go to BYU and sleep in the bathroom on a couch.
I can sleep in a park.
I can go to Denny's and sit there all night long.
I can call Bishop Campbell and see what he suggests.
I can go to Grandma's house.
I can call Mellen and crash at her house.
I can crash at the parent's house.
I can call President Davis and see what he suggests.
I can go to Dann's parents.
I can break into Grandma Connie's house.
I can go to the First Ward building.
I can go sleep in our basement.
I can sleep on someone else's lawn.
I can sleep at a seminary building.
I can go to Dann's office.
I can go to Dann's gym.
I can send Dann away.
I can go to Jeff and Robyn's house.
I can sleep on the D'Angelo's couch.
I can sleep at the neighbor's house.
I can go knocking on door's until someone lets me stay.
I can get arrested and stay in the jail.
I can go to a 24 hour grocery store and wander the aisles all night - or even sleep in the produce section.
I can run away to the mountains. I can take a tent. Or sleep under the stars.
I can go to St. George.
I can go to a bar.

Obviously some of these are better than others... But look at all of the options I have!

Flashbacks are changing

Last night's flashbacks were different. I don't know how to use words to describe it. Most nights, I lay there full of pain and feel completely helpless against what is happening. I still felt helpless, but I felt something inside me beginning to fight back.

I saw myself laying on the bed stiff as board and panicked with my ex-husband on top of me. And then my mind said, I don't HAVE to do that. You deserve better than that. THAT is not sex or love - that is RAPE, and it is NOT OK!

Then I saw myself standing in the kitchen begging him not to go - trying to convince him that he was right, I was wrong, and that I could change. Again, my mind said, That's not right! You are lying. It is not ok that he just did that to you. He should be ashamed - not you. I felt compassion for the woman standing there looking and feeling so desperate. I felt sad for her, and I just wanted to put my arms around her and let her know she deserved better than that.

I saw myself sleeping in bed. The Ex reached for me, started touching and humping me. In my mind, I pushed him away and told him NO! Leave me alone! You can't have me. This is my body, and my choice. Get away!

The memories haven't changed. They still hurt. They still leave me feeling disgusting, gross, helpless, guilty, and ashamed. But there are new thoughts associated with the memories. They leave me feeling stronger, triumphant, beautiful, and like I am an amazing woman. That is a lot of conflicting things for one brain to handle.

Then tonight, Melissa was talking about her friend Brianne, and Brianne's abusive father. She told a story of one time Brianne's dad nearly killer her brother. For one brief instant, I felt the fear, the guilt, the anger, and the confusion that I felt that night when I was fourteen. Then, the memory passed and I was grateful things weren't like that anymore.

I imagine all of these flashbacks will be like that one day. It might hurt for a second, but then it will pass just as quickly. All of this will be just memories, and nothing more. It is all changing, and it is exciting!

A Recovery Bill of Rights for Trauma Survivors

By Thomas V. Maguire, Ph.D.
Copyright 1995-97 Thomas V. Maguire, Ph.D. Ver. 3.0 (04/97)
All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including this notice) and is distributed free of charge.

By Virtue of Your Personal Authority
You Have the Right to . . .

• Manage your life according to your own values and judgment.
• Direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals or progress.
• Gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.
• Seek help from many sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.
• Decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision.
• Believe in your ability to heal and seek allies who share your faith.
• Trust allies in healing so far as one human can trust another.
• Be afraid and avoid what frightens you.
• Decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront fear.
• Learn by experimenting, that is, make mistakes.

To Guard Your Personal Boundaries
You Have the Right to . . .

• Be touched only with, and within the limits of, your consent.
• Speak or remain silent, about any topic and at any time, as you wish.
• Choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations.
• Ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with everything.
• Challenge any crossing of your boundaries.
• Take action to stop a trespass that does not cease when challenged.

For the Integrity of Your Personal Communication
You Have the Right to . . .

• Ask for explanation of communications you do not understand.
• Express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree.
• Acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them.
• Ask for changes when your needs are not being met.
• Speak of your experience, without apology for your uncertainties.
• Resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.

For Safety in Your Personal Dependency in Therapy
You Have the Right to . . .

• Hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery.
• Receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist.
• Know that your therapist will never have any other relationship with you— business, social, or sexual.
• Be secure against any disclosure by your therapist, except with your consent or under court order.
• Hold your therapist's undivided loyalty in relation to all abusers.
• Obtain informative answers to questions about your condition, your therapist's qualifications, and any proposed treatment.
• Have your safety given priority by your therapist, to the point of readiness to use all lawful means to neutralize an imminent threat to your life or that of someone else.
• Receive a commitment from your therapist that is not conditional on your "good behavior" (habitual crime and endangerment excepted).
• Make clear and reliable agreements about the times of sessions and of your therapist's availability.
• Telephone your therapist between scheduled sessions, in urgent need, and receive a return call within a reasonable time.
• Be taught skills that lessen the risk of re-traumatization: containment (boundaries for recovery work); control of attention and mental imagery; systematic relaxation.
• Enjoy reasonable physical comfort during sessions.

Tao of Equus - The author's description of her first marriage

I was not expecting anything like what I got from this book. I was expecting a book about horses and healing. I did not expect that the author would understand what I have been through in my life.

"My husband had been taught to dominate, not collaborate. Whenever I asserted m own will and vision, my own creativity and passion, he saw this as a dangerous bid to dis empower him. His criticisms of my body and soul weren't designed to be constructive, they were intended to whittle away my confidence and rein me in. People use ropes, whips and spurs to keep their horses in line, but they often find that words are just as effective in subduing members of their own species. Though he possessed a keen intellect, an acrobatic wit, and a gift for public speaking, My husband had no idea how to express his conflicting feelings or discuss his deepest fears in private. Whenever he felt threatened he would use verbal intimidation and sex to enforce his position. Without warning, a romantic evening would turn int a nightmare. The man would make fun of my figure, insisting that my anorexic physique was still too fat, the insults escalating until I was reduced to tears. An hour after I retreated to the bedroom alone, he would slip under the covers, turn my face away from him, and ride me like a beaten-down horse. For days and sometimes weeks afterward, I would feel dead inside, my heart and spirit broken. From my husband's point of view, however, I was operating at a level of self-esteem he could manage, and our marriage was once again harmonious."
(p. 12)

The first time I read this paragraph, I nearly had a panic attack. How could anyone know what it was like to live with Larry? How could she have described it so well?

She went on to say,

"For millennia, wedding vows obliged wives to pledge their obedience, and the majority of men raised as late as the 1960's were taught to expect it. The fact that my husband and I expunged that line form our own vows ultimately didn't hold any weight. on the surface, we were committed to creating a relationship of equals, yet neither one of us had been given the tools to bring this nice idea into form. His conditioning made it impossible for him to accept my growing creativity and self-actualization as anything but a challenge. He had been taught to dominate. Had been taught to submit. Our life together was ruled by old-world values that crept int our relationship and ultimately destroyed our marriage."
(p. 13)

That also sounded so much like my life with Larry. We talked about being equals. He wanted us to be equals, and in every way except one, we were. But in the bedroom... he became completely and totally dominant. When it came to sex and my body - I was no one, nothing but a plaything.

I believe he didn't want to be like that. I believe he wanted something different. We weren't able to have what both of us wanted.

There's something about riding bareback...

I spent a few hours today with Bishop Johnson and Sunny.

BJ has been worried that Sunny is too much work, and maybe he should sell him and get a different horse. When he told me that today, my insides lurched. I feel a strange bond to Sunny. I don't fully understand it. I just feel like I understand him, and I relate to him. I don't know why - I just do.

When BJ talked about how much work Sunny was going to take - inside I felt like he was saying I was too much work, and maybe he should just move on. I wasn't worth the time it was taking to make me into a worthwhile person. (I logically know he was talking about a horse, but it didn't feel like he was talking about the horse!)

BJ reassured me he wouldn't sell Sunny unless he hurt somebody. We got Sunny out of his stall, and BJ worked with him in the round pen. I just sat and watched. I was grateful to be outside, but I was full of sadness.

Sunny and BJ went for a walk, and I followed them. I just felt too sad - I eventually sat down on a stump and just cried. BJ brought Sunny over and asked if I wanted to ride him bareback.

YES!

I don't know why, but that is exactly what I want to do. It seemed somewhat counterintuitive to me. My body (and specifically one part of my body) was in immense pain. Sitting on a horse without a saddle is not very comfortable. But somehow, just sitting on Sunny helped me to calm down.

I felt his body shudder when he got afraid. I could feel his heart racing when a dog barked. I could feel him tense up when he wasn't sure about something. Somehow feeling how his body reacted to the stimuli around him, made me feel more safe.

I am not even sure what it was about riding Sunny bareback, but I felt so much better afterwards. I actually wanted to go home to Dann. I wanted to go have dinner. I just wanted to do what I needed to do. I didn't feel like I HAD to anymore. I didn't feel as alone. I didn't feel as lost. After riding Sunny - even for just twenty minutes - I felt like me again. I know I am on the right path. I am excited to get through all of this, and I feel anxious to get to and then over the next hurdle.

I am also excited to continue working with Sunny. He and I will be jumping hurdles together one day.

Baby shower... triggering?

I went to Jen's baby shower with Mom and Mellen tonight. I really didn't want to go, but I knew mom wanted me to. I love her - I knew it would mean a lot to her if I went. I also knew if I went, Mellen would go. I chose to go.

The whole time I was there, my body was in pain, and I felt the sensations of being raped. I felt sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to get away.

I realized that whenever I do even the smallest thing that I don't want, but that will make someone else happy, I experience the pains. Even something as stupid as a baby shower feels like I am being raped if I don't want to be there.

I know that sometimes it is completely ok to choose to do something I don't want, because it will make someone else feel happy, or loved, or whatever. I guess I am not there yet.

How do I get to the point that I can take care of me, and love others? How do I do things for them, without feeling like I am being taken advantage of? How can I change this??

I can trust me... I can protect myself

I am currently struggling with the idea that I can't take care of myself. I can't trust me to keep me safe. I know I can... I have done it many times:

• I asked to come to BJ's home, because it made me feel safe.
• I eat meals and snacks without the prompting of others most of the time.
• I call and ask for help when I am really struggling.
• I let myself cry when I need to.
• When I was feeling suicidal, I put myself in safer situations. (I surrounded myself with people, I didn't go to the office, I went home to Dann, I asked BJ to hold my pills for me, etc.)

This is not working quite the way I wanted. I currently feel so guilty and ashamed that I have done any of these things... I am supposed to feel better, because I can trust me. I don't!!

Argh! I just feel yucky...

Testing you... do you really trust me?

Today has been a crazy hard day all day. I have felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to get away from BJ - I never wanted to see him again. I wanted to give him what he wanted (which was for me to disappear). At the same time, I felt like I couldn't.

I left and went for a walk. I walked for two hours. I skipped lunch.

He said he would trust me. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was testing his limits. How much would he really trust me? Would he really let me do what I wanted to do? Or would he force me to eat?

When he asked me to eat lunch - I just wanted to scream at him, "My body! My choice!"

I was too scared to. I was afraid he would tell me to go away forever. Instead, I ate.

I recognize eating is a good thing, and in some ways I did feel better after. In others, I felt like I had given in to him. I had let him take control of me. I felt like I had given up what I wanted for what he wanted. I felt used and frustrated. I wanted to scream at him, but instead, I sat there peacefully having a conversation about whatever we talked about...

Music

Music has always played a very important part of my life. Until this past year, I didn't realize how important, though.

When we started building our business, I mostly quit listening to music. Instead, I listened to teaching tapes. Some were very inspirational, but still did nothing for me compared to what music does.

There have been so many times when I couldn't put words to what I was feeling when the words to a song would come to mind, such as
"I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe this could be the end." (No Doubt, Don't Speak)
or
"I'm still mad as hell and not ready to do what it is you think I should." (Dixie Chicks, Not Ready to Make Nice)
or
"My whole world is the pain inside me, the best I can do is just get through the day." (Superchick, Beauty from Pain)

And so on.

Lately, the song that has been playing constantly in my head is:
"What you've got to do is finish what you have begun.
I don't know just how, but its not over til you've won!"
(Martha from Secret Garden, Hold On)

It's like a constant reminder of what I already know. There is a victory waiting for me!

Words to songs also come to me as answers to prayers, like the other night when I was feeling so discouraged and I didn't know what I was going to do. I heard the words, "Hold on, there's angels on their way." (Hold On) And then I felt the angels around me. I knew it would be ok.

Tonight, as Bishop Johnson was praying, he said something about help Jen to understand why. (Because I had asked him, "Why?") And then I heard the words,

"I've let go my need to know why.
I'll take what answers you supply...
You know better than I."
(Joseph from King of Dreams, You Know Better than I)

And although, that was not the answer I really wanted, I felt comforted by it. I knew that was the answer I needed. (At this moment, I remember Ashley shaking her fists at the heavens, and I echo the sentiment a little.)

I am so grateful for music! There are so many songs in so many genres that have helped me through a tough moment. The words have echoed the feeling in my heart, and knowing that someone else wrote them helped me feel like I wasn't so alone. Also, it gave me strength to express the things in my heart.

I also have been able to share myself with others through music. I have shared the songs I love just by letting others listen to them. And now, I am learning to sing as well. I can share through my own voice.

"The voice is no longer hidden in me!
I've let go. Now, I am free!!"
(CFC Choir, The Voice in Me)

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Congrats to me! I have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

I got off the phone with Paul this morning feeling very sad and discouraged. Although I have told Paul in the past, "I don't care what the diagnosis is. I will accept anything... just help me!"

I meant it - if diagnosing the problem helps us know how to solve the problem, then I am all for it.

However, I know that a problem like DID takes a lot of work to overcome. I have come a long ways, and I have made incredible progress. It just made me see how far I still have to do. That was very discouraging.

After meeting with Paul, I felt a little better. I don't completely fit DID, because I don't have different personalities. I just have emotions that take over completely.

Even Jenni - the seven year old girl - was just a part of me. She was innocent, loving, and she just wanted to be loved and protected. She was a little easier to let out than the angry Jen. It was easy to let her become part of me. I wanted to be more childlike. I wanted to be more loved. Angry Jen... I don't like her as much. She frightens me. She frightens the other part of me too.

I think Angry Jen tries to come out a lot, and that is why I end up crying on the floor. The other fragment of me becomes terrified of the anger, and curls up in a ball and cries.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I am just trying to get my thoughts out coherently. I don't think its working.

Today's Quotes

"Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb

"Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never." - Winston Churchill

"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson

"Two steps forward, one step back is still moving forward!"

Here I stand

Again, it washes over me.
Again, I feel the pain.
I want to run.
Instead, Here I stand.

Here I stand and face him.
Here I stand and fight him.
Here I stand and know, He is with me.

Letter of hope

I have come a very long ways. I have gone through things and experienced things that I couldn't have ever imagined. When I walked into CFC, I knew that I could change my behaviors and stop acting out on the eating disorder. I hoped I could find healing and recovery from not only the eating disorder but from the trauma I had experienced earlier in my life.

I chose to go to CFC, because I knew I couldn't go on living with those things constantly hanging over my head. I also knew that I didn't know enough to overcome it on my own.

The timing was perfect. I was afraid going in that I would be surrounded by people who wanted to cling to their eating disorders. I was amazed at the women that were there with me. Every one of them were fighting hard to overcome, they were open and honest, and I am so grateful that I got to know all of those amazing women.

I was willing to work hard. I thought that if I just worked hard for 3-6 months, I would be completely healed. I wouldn't have flashbacks, pains, anxieties, or the eating disorder. I was very wrong. That was incredibly hard for me to face.

When I left CFC, and I wasn't "recovered" yet, I was scared and worried. Somehow, I kept fighting. I kept working at overcoming the things from my past. I wanted to be free from the power those things had over me, and I wanted true healing.

Since leaving CFC, I have researched different healing and therapies that I can do both with professionals and on my own. It has amazed me that every single thing I have found, I have had at least a little experience with at CFC. They truly taught me everything I needed to know, and I just had to bring that knowledge out to the real world.

I am grateful for the experiences I had at CFC. I am so blessed and so lucky to have had the opportunity! I am so grateful that now I have the opportunity to keep learning and growing on my own too.

The future is bright. I don't know how long it will take, and I am not sure what it will take, but I know I will find complete healing and recovery. The things that I have learned in the past year have changed me and made me into a better, stronger woman.

The changes have all been very gradual. I had hoped that I would wakeup and be "recovered" Instead, it has come little by little, and at the perfect pace. (Although, I must admit no tempo would really be fast enough for me!) I have talked about things that I have never been willing to talk about before. I have felt fears and anxieties, and decided to go forward through them. I have learned to relax and enjoy myself without doing anything. I have made friends that truly know ME. I have developed a deeper more loving relationship with my husband. I am learning to trust myself.

I fear that this letter does not have the hope I want to share. I want to share what I know. I KNOW there is a reason for me to keep fighting. I KNOW there are amazing things waiting for me, and I have experienced many of them so far. I KNOW I am finding my way out of the depths I have lived in my entire life. I KNOW it will come, and it will be better than I can even imagine right now. I KNOW that the Lord has a plan for me. I KNOW He knows me so well, and loves me so much, He already knows what I need before I need it. He has a plan in place, and I will follow that plan. He wants me to be happy, so I know I will be. He wants me to feel joy and peace in my life, and so I know I will.

I have come so far already, and I know there is much more journey ahead of me.

I am excited to see what comes next.

It's not about the horse... part 2

Thursday, we went horseback riding in the mountains.

Thursday evening, I got home and started reading the book, "It's not about the horse." One of the things the book talked about is that we treat the horse the way we have learned to treat people.

I started thinking, and realized how true that was. With Bo, I really wanted to run, but I couldn't tell him. I wouldn't yell, I wouldn't even barely whisper it to him. I did give him a kick, but I'm sure he felt the hesitation.

I struggled to tell Bo what I really wanted. I hate telling Bo what to do at all. I am afraid of hurting him. I am afraid of being too bossy. I am afraid of being too needy. I am afraid I don't deserve it. I'm afraid he won't do what I ask him to anyways.

I struggle to tell anyone what I really want. I hate admitting to myself that I want anything.

I have improved a lot, and I know riding has helped. I am getting better with the horses. At the beginning, I would barely even touch the reigns. I just let him walk wherever he wanted, or I let BJ lead him. I WANTED the reigns. I wanted to take control. I wanted to be the leader, and I didn't like BJ leading him. At the same time, I wouldn't do it. Now, I go out on my own. I will give the horses a kick, and sometimes they listen. I will ask for help from people more. I will talk about myself more. Things are definitely improving.

It's not about the horse

This morning, I decided that Sunny and I needed to hang out. Before I even went over there, I planned on grooming Sunny, maybe putting the saddle on him and staying close to the barn. I knew we weren't ready to go to the arena or the equestrian park yet. I knew we needed to get to know each other and learn to trust each other first.

I was also trying to pay attention to everything I was thinking and feeling and also to how Sunny reacted to me.

I really wanted the experiences described in the book, "It's not about the horse." The book described amazing changes, insights, and hope. I wanted to feel those things. I also knew that it probably wouldn't be anything super amazing, but I would learn something about myself.

We did great together at first. He came very willingly. I groomed him. He let me pick his hooves. Although, while doing his feet, I started to feel very dizzy. When I started to feel dizzy - he would pull his feet away from me. When I asked him to lift them up again, he wouldn't do it until after I rested for a second.

I put the saddle on him and the bit in. Both went relatively easy. (I admit every time I try to lift that saddle, I get worn out and dizzy, but it always passes eventually.) I rode him around the barn and up into the orchard. It was going really well, so I decided we could handle the arena.

We started to walk over, and as we approached the road, he started to get really antsy. I remembered that I hadn't planned to go to the arena, but quickly pushed that thought aside and kept going. We got across the street, and he got more anxious. As we rounded the fence, he seemed to be absolutely terrified.

At this moment, I was still determined. I refused to let myself be afraid, and even if I was afraid, that was no reason to go back. I got down off his back and tried to lead him. He walked with me for about three steps, then yanked back. At that moment, I felt fear for maybe the third time ever with the horse. I was afraid Sunny would run away and get hurt or lost. I was afraid I would get hurt or lost. I was afraid that someone else would see me struggling and think I was stupid. I was afraid.

And again, I remembered that Sunny and I weren't ready for the arena yet.

I was embarrassed to turn him around and take him back. I felt like I had let fear win. I felt weak. I was angry at myself. Those emotions only lasted for a few seconds, because as I turned him, he calmed down almost immediately.

I climbed back up on his back, walked back to the barn and took off the saddle.

How many times have I known something wasn't quite right, and yet I forced it anyways? How many times have I "pushed through" only to find myself in trouble? How many times have I tried to skip steps? How many times have I taken unnecessary risks, because I want to look like I have it all together?

The answers to all of those questions is a lot. And even now, there is a part of me that says, "What's wrong with that? If you can push through it, that's good right? Why be patient... if you wait for good things to come to you, you'll be waiting for very long time! We're supposed to take risks, right?"

Sunny knew we weren't ready for the arena. But don't worry, we will be someday.

What does it mean to heal?

I sleep at night. I'm present in the "now" and not always dissociating and flashing back to "then". I can laugh, really laugh, without feeling the deep ache in my chest. I don't feel dirty all of the time. I can do things "normal" people do: go to church, go to work, anything. I taste something other than tears, and feel something other than pain. I can let Dann hold me, and not even think about it. I can feel loved and not feel ashamed. I can eat without wishing that I wasn't. I want to get out of bed more days than I don't want to. I don't feel afraid to sleep. I don't feel afraid all of the time. I can think about something besides sex, rape, pain, etc. I am independent and don't need people like I do now. I am not a burden. I am not constantly fighting the desire to give up and die. I want to live.

I long to forget, but I am pretty sure that will never happen. I long to be innocent and naive and that won't happen either. Instead, I guess I just want it to go back to the past where it belongs, and I want it to stay there...

As if it never happened?

Talking to my husband tonight, I made the comment, "It will never be like it didn't happen, but it will get better than this."

His reply, "The prophets say it can be like it never happened."

What?!? I don't see how. Will I forget? Will the memories be gone? Will I have my childhood back? Will I have my teenage years back? How can that be possible?

He told me to go look it up in conference talks. They all talk about how through the atonement, it will be like our sins never happened. It doesn't say anything about child abuse or rape.

I have been reading talks all night, and they don't make me feel better. Mostly, I feel more guilty and disgusting, because I am not clean. It talks about making yourself clean, becoming pure, etc. I am not any of those things. I don't feel like I ever can be.

I am not even sure I want it to be as if it never happened. I am on a journey to find ME. I am who I am because of the experiences I have had, and because of my desire to learn from every experience.

I want

to sleep through the night at my own house.
to eat without thinking.
to stop hurting.
to go to work and concentrate on work.
to stop being a burden.
to forget.
to be held.
to be loved.
to go home.
to be with my husband.
to laugh, cry, smile, whatever... and not feel the pains at the same time.
to be understood.
to help someone else.
to make a difference.
to stop having nightmares and night terrors.
for others to stop hurting.
to know that healing is possible.
to heal.

Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still

This is from an email newsletter I got today... I guess I really, REALLY need to learn to be patient...

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps.

Blessings list

When I'm feeling this down, I am supposed to think about my blessings. Here goes:

• My husband is so sweet and loving. He cares so much about me. He wants me to be happy.
• He is working so hard to change himself to be better.
• Bishop Johnson cares about me. He would also do almost anything for me.
• Bishop Campbell is trying hard to understand and to support me.
• My cat.
• Friends like Lauren, Katie, Amanda, and others.
• DDR - I know I'm not supposed to do it, but it makes me feel better, thus its a blessing.
• Yesterday morning was really nice for me.
• Piano
• Music
• After the Silence Board that helps me feel less crazy...
• My husband makes me laugh.
• Trying new things makes me happy
• Horses! Although I am currently very sad that I haven't seen the horses in more than a week!
• This will pass. I will feel better.
• Its 1 pm on Sunday... And its General Conference next week. Two weeks until I have to think about going to church again. And Sunday is nearly over... sort of.

Springtime

I love the month of February. I love the feeling of knowing spring is coming - even though you can't see it yet. I love the subtle changes that come. It is exciting to me.
I hate the month of March. I hate looking at the blossoms that have poked up, but seeing the dreary skies. It feels cold, and it feels like spring should be here already. I worry that the blossoms and buds will freeze in the snowstorms. I wonder if the hope I felt for spring was false... it isn't really coming. It will never be warm.

Yet, every year - eventually the warm weather comes to stay. Most years the blossoms and buds survive and thrive. And even the years they freeze, other flowers come up and they are just as beautiful.

That is how I feel about my life right now. I felt the hope of spring coming. I couldn't see the changes but knew they were there. Today, it feels like the blossoms are going to freeze and the hope was false. Spring will never come... Yet, I know it will. Its just taking longer than I wanted it to. Eventually, the light will be here to stay.

You look good - have you lost weight?

Its funny how in this society, "Have you lost weight?" is the best compliment we can give.

Even when I first got back from CFC, people said, "Wow. You look really good. You must have lost weight." I didn't have the heart to tell them, "Well, actually, I have gained quite a bit of weight, but I really needed to..."

The good news from where I'm sitting is that when a co-worker said it yesterday, I didn't take it as a compliment or as a put-down. When I answered her question with a very honest, "I don't think so, but I really don't know," she continued with, "You are just so little!"

My answer, "Yes. I am."

I am very small. I don't see that as a good thing... or as a bad thing... I just am.
She thought it was a good thing. She then went on about how she was gaining weight, blah, blah, blah.

Why do we as a society give more worth to small people than to large people? I have a body that is smaller... I don't see that as a blessing. I don't think I am soooo lucky.

I'm just me.

I love me! And if in the future, my body changes and I'm not so little. I will love me then too.

I could get used to this...

Last night, I went to sleep.

And then, I just slept.

Nothing exciting. No nightmares. No waking up with every sound or movement. No waking up drenched in sweat. No fear. No heart-pounding or racing.

Really... I just slept.

Then, I opened my eyes when I was done sleeping, and I felt like getting up. So, I did.

Weird... I know, but I could get used to it.

Interdependence vs. Codependence

Talking to Paul today, we talked about codependent relationships. I had very strong feelings as he was talking.

Codependence means I can't live without you.
Interdependence means I love you, I don't want to be without you, but I know my true strength is not in you, but in Him.
Codependence means I have to do this or that for you.
Interdependence means I choose to do things for you, and I know that if I don't help you - you will take care of yourself, or the Lord will provide for you.
Codependence means I won't take care of myself, or I won't let you serve me.
Interdependence means I take care of myself, and I let you serve me.
Codependence is unhealthy.
Interdependence is healthy. It feels right.
Codependence makes me feel weak.
Interdependence makes me stronger than I would be alone.

Magnificence just waiting inside

Today in session, Paul and I talked about the conversation with Katie, and then the extreme panic that followed. His suggestion was that the panic was a reaction to me telling her that she wasn't there... because I am not all here yet.

I had to agree that was definitely part of it.

I get glimpses every once in a while. I really like what I see. I think that woman is magnificent. She is confident, caring compassionate, very in tune with the spirit, fiery, assertive, strong, courageous, gutsy, funny, clever, etc. She knows things about life, other people, and she sees a bigger picture.

I would like her to be around more often. I would like to be her all of the time. I would like to be ME more often!

A quote from church that meant a lot to me

"Now, ponder the magnificence of what you see when you look in the mirror. Ignore the freckles, the unruly hair, or the blemishes, and look beyond to see the real you—a child of God—created by him, in his image. If we lift the lid on the treasure chest of the marvelous attributes of our bodies, we can discover, at least in part, the magnificence of man."

(Russel M. Nelson)

Forgiveness

My thoughts on forgiveness... specifically forgiving an abuser. Its true that forgiveness is necessary, but its at the top of a long flight of stairs. You can't just skip 20 flights of stairs. You have to walk up each step. Sometimes you can run up them, and sometimes you can skip one or two stairs, but you can't skip 20 flights. If you try, you'll fall down farther and harder and have to start lower than if you just walked up them. When people say, "Just Forgive," and other things like that, they are forgetting that it is a process and it takes time.

In the case of child sexual abuse, that abuse has truly changed our lives forever. We can never go back to the innocence of a child. We can never go back to the time when we didn't have sexual feelings. Our bodies were not ready for what the abuser did to us. So, even when we do forgive our abuser, we will still have to deal with things that a person who has never been abused can ever understand.

We can heal completely, and forgiveness is a part of that healing, but again it is a process. We can't skip up a flight of stairs. We have to progress step by step. Its so slow! It frustrates us as much (or more) than everyone watching us. We wish we could skip ahead too, but when you push us to do that, you just push us back. We fall, and then we have to deal with getting back up, and walking up the stairs we have already walked on once.

Please, be patient as we try to forgive and heal our lives.

My life is a great opportunity brilliantly disguised as an impossible situation.

Letter of hope - rough draft

When I entered CFC, I believed I could give up the eating disorder behaviors on my own. I had done it before, but I knew I needed help to change me. I walked in the doors ready and willing to give up the eating disorder, anxieties, and anything else that might stand in my way.

I was scared. I didn't want to be around other women who weren't willing to fight as hard as I was. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing women there with me. Everyone there was willing and working so hard to change their lives. I am so grateful that I was lead to CFC at that exact moment in time.

I fought hard the whole time I was there. And then it came time to leave. I wasn't cured... and in fact when I left had more anxieties and crazy feelings than when I walked in.

I went back to work, but struggled to get anything done. I couldn't sleep at night. I had new fears, new nightmares, new struggles and pains that I had never experienced before. At first, I was angry. Why didn't they help me? Why didn't they change me for the better? Why am I worse now? But, as time as passed, I have seen the amazing depth of the things CFC taught me.

I continued to fight against the eating disorder. I continued to talk about the things that had happened to me in the past. I continued to talk about how I felt. I continued to challenge false beliefs. I just kept pushing forward - even when I wasn't sure which direction forward was.

I couldn't see it at the time, but everyday things were changing. I was learning, growing, and becoming someone new and better.

I researched ways to better myself. I asked questions of people around me. The answers I got astounded me - I had learned everything from something at CFC.

Radical acceptance, Opposite Action, Non-judgment, Be an observer, Be mindful, Listen to your heart, Sound waves for healing, Analyzing lyrics, Openness and honesty, the value of journaling, positive coping mechanisms, Listen to your body, Self-care, Ask for help, etc.

There was nothing that I hadn't heard before. How blessed I am to have had that experience that taught me so much (even if I need reminders because I can't remember it all).

And now, I can see the changes everyday. Last week, I cried, REALLY cried for the first time in 25 years. Today, when I felt a little discouraged, I also knew it would pass and I would feel hopeful again. Who knows what will change tomorrow? I am excited to find out.

Although the abuse and trauma from my past have changed me forever, I am healing from them. They will not run my life forever - and in fact the power they have had over me shrinks and evaporates everyday. I know I will heal completely, and I will be stronger than I can imagine right now.